


it's dangerous to put forks in the microwave

by warhead_wicket



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Chatting & Messaging, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, byleth teaches them for four years, everyones has phones for some reason
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2020-10-24 13:44:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20706986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warhead_wicket/pseuds/warhead_wicket
Summary: Byleth: Hi all, this chat has been made to help inter-house relationships between students. Please be friendly and don’t cause too much trouble. I will be able to monitor, remove, and suspend anyone within the chat. Behave responsibly, and have fun.





	1. *claude voice* i have an idea.

**Claude** : hey do any of yall wanna go n watch some forks spark in the microwwave 

**Dimitri** : Claude , that is very dangerous . Please do not bring any harm to the kitchen equipments .

**Edelgard** : I agree with Dimitri for once.

**Claude** : haha I thought you’d say that

**Claude** : dont worry I actually have a spare microwwave.

**Edelgard** : Oh? And how did you get this spare?

**Claude** : wouldnt you like to know ur highness. ;)

**Claude** : come onnnn Guys we literally summon lighting with our hands and beat people to death and u guys r upset about microwwaves????? Lmao 

**Claude** : im gonna go ask hilda cuz u two are so boring

**Edelgard** : Always Hilda this, Hilda that. Why don’t you do anything with other students? You have a whole school’s worth of friends, you know.

**Claude** : yeah but 1. y’all black eagles and blue lions r boring as shit we literally don’t interact at all outside of mock battles

**Claude** : and 2. hilda just staticstically is more likely to agree to my shit. 

**Claude** : besides you two only ever hang out with one other person. Hildas just the hubert to my edelgard. The dedue to my dimitri.

**Claude** : anyways. see ya later folks

**Claude is offline.**

**Edelgard** : That was rude. I don’t always hang out with Hubert.

**Dimitri** : :-|

**Edelgard** : okay fine maybe I do hang around him a lot.

**Edelgard** : also when did you learn to use emoticons. Who taught you that.

**Dimitri** : Claude has a point , the houses do not seem to get along well

**Dimitri** : instead of the office academy it feels like

**Dimitri** : three social groups .

**Edelgard** : So you’re saying the student body tends to be … cliquey?

**Dimitri** : yes

**Dimitri** : perhaps we should find a way to help unify the students a little better

**Dimitri** : it may help bring a better sense of identity to the school . 

**Edelgard** : As much as I’d like that idea, how would we go about it? Hosting parties won’t work. Resources are limited. 

**Edelgard** : Reworking the class system might take too long to be implemented.

**Claude is online.**

**Claude** : hello hello ….someone need ideas????? 

**Dimitri** : I thoguht you were sporking farks in the micro wave

**Dimitri** : *sparking forms

**Dimitri** : *sparkinf forjs

**Dimitri** : damn it never mind 

**Claude** : lmao farks

**Claude** : ok I have a genius idea and it involves these messaging devices.

**Claude** : we should make a group chat for all the students. 

**Claude** : that way we can communicate whenever we want AND get to know each other better. 

**Dimitri** : I thought devices are only for communication with students within your house 

**Claude** : ehhhh lemme test something out real quick.

**Claude is idle.**

**Edelgard** : Where is Claude?

**Dimitri** : dont know

**Claude started a conversation with Sylvain.**

**Claude** : yo Sylvain 

**Sylvain** : Claude????

**Claude** : yes it’s me 

**Sylvain** : I thought you couldn’t message inter-house???

**Claude** : dont ask 

**Claude** : would you like to chat with some hot girls

**Sylvain** : OH BOY WOULD I

**Claude has added Sylvain to FEAR THE DEER.**

**Sylvain** : What the fuck 

**Sylvain** : clauuuuudeeeee this isn’t hot girls

**Claude** : very rude of you to call our golden deer girls Unhot right after I put you in the chat

**Hilda** : Yeah dipshit 

**Hilda** : wait why is Sylvain here 

**Claude renamed the chat to FEAR THE DEER (and Sylvain)**

**Ignatz** : guys what’s going on? 

**Ignatz** : why is Sylvain in the chat?

**Leonie** : Yeah is he gonna be permanent here or something??? 

**Claude is idle.**

**Sylvain** : Claude wait dont leave me alone 

**Leonie** : CLAUDE GET BACK HERE

**Hilda** : CLAUDEEEEEE

**Claude started a conversation with Byleth Eisner. **

**Claude** : ok teach before you get me in trouble

**Claude** : I added Sylvain to the golden deer chat because I wanted to see if our phones actually allowed interhouse messaging

**Claude** : because me dimi and el came up with an idea to get the students to interact with other houses more. 

**Claude** : you know. give the officers academy more unity. a better student body relationship

**Byleth** : Sorry, I can't talk right now. If this is an emergency, please text “URGENT”

**Claude** : urgent

**Byleth** : Claude What

**Claude** : read my messages

**Byleth**: oh

**Byleth** : ill ask seteth more about it

**Claude** : no ask lady rhea!! Get her on ur side and then maybe try seteth.

**Byleth** : ok

**Claude** : also give chat admins name changing powers :)

**Byleth** : ok

**Claude** : can I be an admin

**Claude** : Teach???

**Byleth Eisner is offline.**

**Claude** : damn

**Byleth Eisner has created a chat with 24 others.**

**Byleth** : Hi all, this chat has been made to help inter-house relationships between students. Please be friendly and don’t cause too much trouble. I will be able to monitor, remove, and suspend anyone within the chat. Behave responsibly, and have fun.

**Hilda is online.**

**Hilda** : first

**Hilda** : whose the admins again professor?

**Byleth** : Dimitri, Edelgard and Claude.

**Hilda** : uh oh , professor, maybe don’t say “have fun” when Claude’s around

**Hilda** : he might have too much fun! Lol

**Claude** : I heard u were talkin shit and u didnt think that I would hear it

**Hilda** : holy shit

**Claude** : ok no beef because check this out:

**Claude changed Hilda’s name to Bestie4Ever.**

**Bestie4Ever** : HOLY SHIIIIIT

**Bestie4Ever** : DUDE.

**Bestie4Ever** : this is a cheesy ass name and I want u to change it but holy shit

**Claude changed Claude’s name to WeSchemin**

**WeSchemin changed Dimitri’s name to 420lord**

**420lord** : Claude please change my name back I do not smoke devils lettuce

**420lord** : Hello, chat! This is Dimitri!

**WeSchemin** : fine fine

**WeSchemin changed 420lord’s name to cheesestringmascot**

**cheesestringmascot** : that is worse

**WeSchemin** : ok how about

**WeSchemin changed cheesestringmascot’s name to Edelgard**

**Edelgard** : Claude that is not what I meant

**Edelgard** : What’s going on? Claude, have you made a mess of this chat already?

**Edelgard** : Why is Dimitri me?

**Edelgard** : Edelgard I am so sorry 

**Edelgard** : Don’t apologize. Once I learn how to change names we’ll be fine.

**Annette** : woah what’s all these notifications about???

**Mercedes** : so many Edelgards …. 

**Edelgard changed Edelgard’s name to macaroni.**

**macaroni** : Edelgard….

**WeSchemin** : EDELGARDDDDD OH MY FUCKINGGG GOD

**Edelgard** : Just kidding.

**Edelgard changed macaroni’s name to fettuccine.**

**WeSchemin** : WAAAHLDHDHDHLHLFHLFJLSBSBSLSKSKSK

**Bestie4Ever** : !!!MY FUCKING GODODKDKSKSKSKSKS

**Mercedes** : Why is he fettuccine again?

**Annette** : it’s because his hair looks like fettuccine 

**Mercedes** : oh! That is very funny, hehe. :D 

  
**fettuccine** : :(


	2. name that name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claude gives everyone new usernames.

**Inter-House Chat - 8:01am**

**WeSchemin renamed Bestie4Ever to VibeCheck**

**WeSchemin renamed Edelgard to bigbitchenergy**

**bigbitchenergy renamed bigbitchenergy to TheLadyFlame**

**fettuccine** : guys how do you change your name

**WeSchemin renamed Leonie to MiniBladeBreaker**

**MiniBladeBreaker** : oh damn, that’s actually pretty good 

**WeSchemin renamed Felix to swordgay **

**swordgay** : fuck you.

**WeSchemin renamed Sylvain to horny**

**horny** : u know what? I’ll take it 

**WeSchemin renamed Ingrid to Horsegirl**

**Horsegirl** : not as bad as I was expecting

**WeSchemin** : actually

**WeSchemin changed horsegirl’s name to chinken nunget **

**chinken nunget: ** CLAUDE. 

**horny** : BAAAHAAHHAHA KEEP IT LIKE THAT CLAUDE

**horny** : I LIKE HOW YOU THINK

**horny** : Felix laughed but you couldn’t tell

**horny** : I don’t think I was supposed to say that.

**WeSchemin renamed Ashe to ubertdriver**

**WeSchemin renamed Annette to cinnamonroll **

**cinnamonroll** : I like cinnamon rolls so this name’s good: :D you should name mercie next!

**WeSchemin renamed Mercedes to HaveMercie**

**HaveMercie** : I like this nickname :0 thank you claude!

**WeSchemin renamed Dedue to Dedude**

**Dedude** : I don’t know how to feel about this.

**fettuccine** : it’s not awful….

**WeSchemin** : it’s because Dedue is De Dude. Like he’s the dude 

**horny** : ya he’s the dude. The man

**horny** : the man of your dreams

**fettuccine** : oh they are calling you handsome!

**dedude** : ah, I see. Thank you.

**ubertdriver** : haha! You guys can’t see it but he’s blushing :)

**Dedude** : Ashe...

**WeSchemin** : we love u dedue 

**WeSchemin renamed Ferdinand to I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR**

**TheLadyFlame** : dont enable him Claude

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : Thank you for your support, Claude!

**WeSchemin renamed Dorothea to SpilltheThea**

**SpilltheThea** : cute! but needs more punch.

**TheLadyFlame renamed SpilltheThea to lesbiab.**

**lesbiab** : EXQUISITE… thank you Edelgard you mind reading genius 

**TheLadyFlame renamed lindhart to schleepy**

**WeSchemin renamed Caspar to shortking**

**shortking** : HRRNGH FUCK YOU 

**horny** : lmaOoooooo

**TheLadyFlame renamed Petra to FodlanExplain**

**FodlanExplain** : could you clarify what the name of user means?

**TheLadyFlame** : remember when you said “Fodlan explain!” When pointing at the world map?

**FodlanExplain** : oh! I am remembering ! That was quite funny :)

**WeSchemin renamed Ignatz to Bobrosschiapet**

WeSchemin: ya know cuz he’s green

**Bobrosschiapet** : I do like Bob Ross! He is an inspiration. 8)

**Bobrosschiapet** : that is my attempt at making an emoticon with glasses

**VibeCheck** : absolutely fucking fantastic iggy you’re doing amazing!

**WeSchemin renamed Raphael to Bigmeatyclaws**

**Bigmeatyclaws** : oh that reminds me!

**Bigmeatyclaws** : have you heard of that theory about how krabby patties are made of crab meat

**Bigmeatyclaws** : I wanna try a krabby patty

**WeSchemin** : do you want to eat mr krabs, raph.?

**Bigmeatyclaws** : 

**Bigmeatyclaws** : maybe 

**WeSchemin renamed Lorenz to footsucker**

**footsucker** : CLAUDE???!!!

**VibeCheck** : HAAAAA

**VibeCheck** : WAIT DONT MAKE MARIANNE OR BERNIES SUCK OKAY 

**WeSchemin** : I WONT DW

**VibeCheck** : WAIT MARIANNE IS WITH ME HOLD ON

**VibeCheck** : i asked and she said she’s cool with anything 

**WeSchemin** : ok how about Angel?

**VibeCheck** : PERFECT

**WeSchemin renamed Marianne to angel **

**angel** : thank you ! 

**lesbiab** : @WeSchemin how about we name Bernadetta Berniebaby?

**WeSchemin renamed Bernadetta to Berniebaby**

**Berniebaby** : are you guys calling me a baby?? :((;;

**lesbiab** : no no it’s because you’re nice and friendly like a beanie baby! So it’s like

**lesbiab** : Bernie Baby

**lesbiab** : if u don’t like it we can change it back Bernie!!!

**Berniebaby** : oh um… actually it’s fine! It’s okay I’m sorry

**WeSchemin** : Dont worry, but tell us if there’s anything wrong alright?

**Berniebaby** : Aaa tysm guys.!!’m thank u

**WeSchemin** : I’m too afraid to touch Hubert’s nametag can y’all black eagles come up w/something

**TheLadyFlame** : don’t be afraid. It’s just Hubert.

**VibeCheck** : Just Hubert.

**horny** : yeah totally just hubert 

**TheLadyFlame** : fine

**TheLadyFlame** : Hubert, what do you want to be named?

**Hubert** : Hubert.

**lesbiab** : boringggg

**lesbiab** : how about hubie? 

**Hubert** : no.

**FodlanExplain** : May I suggest Bertie will be your name? 

**Hubert** : no.

**TheLadyFlame** : ...Hube? 

**Hubert** : lady edelgard…

**shortking** : lmfao that sounds like pube

**TheLadyFlame** : sorry Hubert.

**TheLadyFlame** : be quiet, Caspar.

**ubertdriver** : I’m not a black eagle, but how about something from a book?

**schleepy** : perhaps the Harry Potter books? 

**lesbiab** : if we’re going Harry Potter, we should just call him snape

**shortking** : or Voldemort lmfao

**Hubert** : absolutely not

**ubertdriver** : how about slytherin?

**Hubert** : hm. it’s certainly better than the rest of the names you all put out.

**Hubert** : change it to what the freckled one suggested. 

**TheLadyFlame** changed Hubert’s name to Slytherin.

**shortking** : wow I can’t believe you got Hubert on your side Ashe

**ubertdriver** : it was just a suggestion haha!

**Slytherin** : I am not his friend.

**ubertdriver** : that’s fine too, we all have our personal boundaries 

**WeSchemin** : and our last one…lysithea

**Lysithea** : CLAUDE.

**WeSchemin** : speak now or forever hold your peace 

**Lysithea** : NO. 

**WeSchemin** : I DIAGNOSE YOU WITH

**WeSchemin renamed Lysithea to AngeryBaby**

**Angery Baby** : FUCK YOU

**Angery Baby** : FUUUCK YOUUUU FUCK YKU FUCK YOU

**WeSchemin** : calm down, small one

**MiniBladeBreaker** : Claude, give it a rest, the baby’s upset

**VibeCheck** : yes the lil cutie patootie is upset 

**Angery Baby** : YOU GUYS ARENT FUCKING HELPING

**WeSchemin** : ok ok ok how about

**WeSchemin renamed Angery Baby to Angery Miasma Demon**

**Angery Miasma Demon: **

**Angery Miasma Demon** : is there really Nothing better you can come up with?

**WeSchemin** : nope take it or leave it lys

**Angery Miasma Demon** : fucking fine 

**WeSchemin** : OKAAAAY now that that’s all over with! Let’s get talkin

**fettuccine** : about what, though?

**WeSchemin is offline.**

**Fettuccine** : claude?

**footsucker** : It Seems that the group socialite has vanished. I suppose he wants us to just talk on our own terms

**footsucker** : I for one would like to take the opportunity to discuss some of my interests. 

**VibeCheck is offline.**

**Angery Miasma Demon is offline.**

**angel is offline.**

**lesbiab is offline.**

**TheLadyFlame is offline.**

**swordgay is offline.**

**chinken nunget is offline.**

**horny is offline.**

**Slytherin is offline.**

**Dedude is offline.**

**Berniebaby is offline.**

**FodlanExplain is offline.**

**schleepy is offline.**

**shortking is offline.**

**ubertdriver is offline.**

**Bobrosschiapet is offline.**

**Bigmeatyclaws is offline.**

**MiniBladeBreaker is offline.**

**HaveMercie is offline.**

**cinnamonroll is offline.**

**footsucker** : hello?

**footsucker** : did everyone just leave?

**footsucker** : ….Dimitri?

**fettuccine is offline.**

**footsucker** : ????

**footsucker** : um

**footsucker** : is anyone still here?

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : I am Ferdinand von Aegir. :)

**footsucker** : ah

  
  
  



	3. shorts are comfy and easy to wear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The three houses get a surprise gift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Name guide:
> 
> Claude: WeSchemin  
Dimitri: fettuccine  
Edelgard: TheLadyFlame  
Hubert: Slytherin  
Dorothea: lesbiab  
Petra: FodlanExplain  
Caspar: shortking  
Linhardt: schleepy  
Ferdinand: (take a wild fucking guess)  
Bernadetta: Berniebaby  
Sylvain: horny  
Felix: swordgay  
Ingrid: chinken nunget  
Annette: cinnamonroll  
Mercedes: HaveMercie  
Ashe: ubertdriver  
Dedue: Dedude  
Hilda: VibeCheck  
Lorenz: footsucker  
Leonie: MiniBladeBreaker  
Lysithea: Angery Miasma Demon  
Marianne: angel  
Raphael: Bigmeatyclaws  
Ignatz: Bobrosschiapet

**Fear THE DEER and Sylvain - 12:39pm**

**WeSchemin:** ohhh boyyyyy

**WeSchemin:** DUDE

**WeSchemin sent ** **sweetduds.png** ** to the chat.**

**WeSchemin: ** LOOK WHAT TEACH GOT US!!

**Bigmeatyclaws:** oh dang we got kfc???

**WeSchemin:** no raph 

**WeSchemin:** we got ourselves some JAMMIES…..

**VibeCheck: ** woahhh!! Daaaamnnn!! Those look ugly as fuck!!!

**WeSchemin:** Well suit yourself hilda, cuz these things are super comfy 

**Bobrosschiapet** : they sure do look like it!

**WeSchemin: ** can’t wait to just relax all day in these

**WeSchemin: ** hilda you should come relax in the Jammies with me 

**MiniBladeBreaker:** uhh maybe it’s just me but they look a little better suited for training?

**MiniBladeBreaker: ** short sleeves are better to sweat in, that’s for sure

**WeSchemin** : I mean sure if you wanna be boring about it 

**WeSchemin: ** anyways Cyril is gonna deliver the rest of the jammies to the dorms 

**Angery Miasma Demon: ** uhhh...sure… did anyone else get these Jammies yet?

**WeSchemin:** idk I haven’t checked

**Bobrosschiapet** : I’ll go ask the chat!

—-

**Inter-house chat - 12:50pm**

**Bobrosschiapet:** hey guys did anyone else get those new pyjama things??

**TheLadyFlame: ** Yes, our house received some packages this morning.

**fettuccine:** The blue lions got them as well ! 

**schleepy:** they are quite comfortable. soft and easy to nap in. 

**shortking:** and train in!!! 

**MiniBladeBreaker** : see? They are for training.

**Bobrosschiapet** : I was under the impression they were for sleeping in, but I suppose anyone can do what they want with them

**lesbiab** : hey.

**lesbiab** : you know what our black Eagles Jammies look like?

**lesbiab** : WILDCATS

**shortking** : wait from like high school musical???

**lesbiab** : EXACTLY

**lesbiab** : IM NOT

**lesbiab** : GONNA STOP

**lesbiab** : NOTNGONNASTOPTILLIGETMYSHOT

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : YOU GOTTA GETCHA GETCHA HEAD IN THE GAME

**cinnamonroll** : WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!!!

**VibeCheck** : CUZ IM F A B U L O U S

**lesbiab** : hildaaa! annie!!! I didn't know u liked hsm!!!!!!!!

**VibeCheck** : Dorothea, ferdie, Annie, y’all gotta come to my place and watch hsm with me I got ALL the dvds 

**cinnamonroll** : oh!! I’ll come and bring some sweets too! 

**VibeCheck** : HELL YEAH! God this is gonna be lit

**WeSchemin** : Ok well you do you I’ll be in my dorms napping in my sweet jam jams

**WeSchemin** : anyone wanna come along for a sleepover? My rooms messy but I got some nice books from the library 

**schleepy** : I might go.

**shortking** : Wait Lin I thought you were gonna come train with me in the training outfits :(

**schleepy** : okay fine

**schleepy** : your sad emotion face has very clear emotional impact on me and I will train with you ///s

**shortking** : wait seriously???

**schleepy** : yes. but in my normal clothes, and only until you start getting sweaty 

**shortking** : Fine… Deal

**schleepy** : You need to stop doing so much late night training anyways. It’s not good on your sleep schedule

**shortking** : says the guy who wakes up past noon on weekdays? 

**schleepy** : Yes well you don't want to end up a night owl like me do you? 

**shortking** : . MmmmmUgh fineeee I’ll do it >:/

**WeSchemin** : haha aw you guys r cute . My door’s open for you two anytime :)

**shortking** : shut up claude 

**fettuccine** : if I may, could I join the slerppver as well? 

**fettuccine** : sleep ovet*

**fettuccine** : sleep over**

**WeSchemin** : why of course your royal princeliness !

**WeSchemin** : just bring your Jammies and an open mind 

**WeSchemin** : we’ll be packin our brains with all kinds of …..knowledge

**horny** : . . 

**VibeCheck** : c

**WeSchemin** : . . for the upcoming history test

**WeSchemin** : guys.

**horny** : the way you said that was just…… weird okay?

**WeSchemin** : put your phone away you are horny @horny

**WeSchemin** : anyone else coming???

**horny** : no id hate to intrude on your double date ;)

**WeSchemin** : sylvain.

**shortking** : sylvain

**chinken nunget** : shut up sylvain 

**swordgay** : yea fuckin shut up sylvain 

  
  


**WeSchemin** **began messaging Byleth at 3:21pm.**

**WeSchemin** : so

**WeSchemin** : as you can see operation get single houses ready to mingle is underway and going pretty smoothly if I do say so myself 

**Byleth** : yes I can see that 

**WeSchemin** : thanks for letting us do this teach, I think it’s actually pretty helpful so far 

**WeSchemin** : never would have thought I’d get Linhardt to agree to a sleepover 

**WeSchemin** : or see the day when hilda managed to invite two black eagles and a blue lion to a movie night 

**Byleth** : I’m glad it’s helping

**Byleth** : did you like the jammies? I got them ordered because the regular uniforms here are kind of itchy

**Byleth** : tried one on. it was a mistake 

**Byleth** : can’t imagine how bad it’d be to have one on all the time 

**WeSchemin** : lol teach, always thinkin about us

**Byleth** : yeah 

**Byleth** : i Want you all to get along too.

**Byleth** : anyways have fun on your study sleepover thing.

**Byleth** : dont stay up too late.

—-

**WeSchemin added schleepy, shortking, and fettuccine to Sleepover Crew.**

**Sleepover Crew - 9:26pm**

**WeSchemin** : okay hello sleepy boys got ur jammies ?

**WeSchemin** : linny, caspar, I see you’re back from training

**schleepy** : why are we texting again?

**WeSchemin** : cuz the walls here r super thin and others might be tryna sleep or study 

**WeSchemin** : in case we wanna talk we can use the phones instead. Ain’t that genius

**schleepy** : I suppose it saves the effort of talking

**schleepy** : and keeps caspar from yelling too loud.

**shortking** : hey I can see your messages too linny 

**schleepy** : also, apologies if we smell like sweat.

**WeSchemin** : oh don’t worry I’ve smelled worse things LOL

**shortking** : What the fuck do you mean smelled worse things

**fettuccine** : I think it is because claude makes ticks in on his spare time .

**fettuccine** : *toxins

**shortking** : Poison? You make fucking poison? 

**WeSchemin** : not anything life threatening! Lol

**WeSchemin** : just stuff that makes peoples tummies a little sicky wicky.

**WeSchemin** : ow youw thwoat a widdle itchy witchy.

**shortking** : stop talking in that voice

**WeSchemin** : I’m not talking I’m typing 

**shortking** : stop TYPING in that voice then 

**schleepy** : could you stop laughing over there? I’m trying to actually focus here

**WeSchemin** : sorry linny

**shortking** : sorry Lin

——

**lesbiab added I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR, VibeCheck, and cinnamonroll to High School Musical Fans United.**

**High School Musical Fans United - 10:04pm**

**lesbiab** : Ferdie.

**lesbiab** : did you eat all the microwave popcorn.? :)

**VibeCheck** : uh oh 

**VibeCheck** : better fess up whoever it was

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : I swear it wasn’t me! 

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : you can’t just blame me for everything dorothea >:/

**lesbiab** : uh huh

**lesbiab** : well who drank all the ice tea from the SHARED jug, huh?

**lesbiab** : and who ate all the SHARED scones, huh?

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : when you said “the food is shared” I assumed everything was free to take!!!

**lesbiab** : NO i meant that we would share it between all of us! Equally! As in Everyone Gets A Piece Not Just Ferdinand!!!

**cinnamonroll** : guys guys calm down :0 I took the popcorn so I could make us some caramel corn!

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** SEE DOROTHEA

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : I am no criminal

**lesbiab** : oh

**lesbiab** : whoops?

**lesbiab** : thank you Annie <3<3<3 you’re the sweetest ^o^ 

**cinnamonroll** : no prob! Let me know if you like it ;p

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : yes THANK you @cinnamonroll

**VibeCheck** : thanks Annie!!!

——

**Sleepover Crew - 11:39pm**

**WeSchemin** : yo guys hate to interrupt this lovely study session between best bros

**WeSchemin** : but I just thought of something interesting :)

**fettuccine** : if it involves making drugs and / or other unsavoury activities I will not participate . 

**WeSchemin** : gimme a chance to speak dimiiiiii

**WeSchemin** : and NO it’s not drugs

**WeSchemin** : Basically I was reading up on some texts on Faerghus celebrations 

**WeSchemin** : and they do this thing where on the last night of the wyvern moon everyone celebrates something called the Wyrm’s Hallow

**WeSchemin** : to celebrate the harvest season, People would dress up in costume to make and then give out treats to show their goodwill for each other. 

**fettuccine** : oh right 

**fettuccine** : lesser territories in the kingdom would celebrate that . I remember going to a few Wyrm ‘ S hallow ‘ S as a child

**WeSchemin** : yes!! And I was thinking, what if we did our own little wyrm’s hallow celebration at garreg Mach?

**schleepy** : you do realize our missions fall on the day of wyrm’s hallow, right?

**schleepy** : also won’t you need this to be approved by faculty first?

**WeSchemin** : Yeah yeah I know but

**WeSchemin** : just the idea of dressing up and giving out sweets for a night sounds pretty fun you know?

**shortking** : what if I don’t want to dress up 

**WeSchemin** : it said In the book that sometimes they’d play pranks and hand out free pumpkin pie

**shortking** : ok you got me there I want some free pie.

**fettuccine** : well I mean

**fettuccine** : it would be nice to get a break from the academic stress

**fettuccine** : these missions have been getting rather difficult 

**fettuccine** : however I still don’t think you ‘ d able to easily convince the rest of the students and faculty 

**WeSchemin** : dimitri alexandre blaiddyd, you underestimate me greatly, and frankly I’m offended that you have such little faith 

**WeSchemin** : let me go ask the chat what they think 

  
  


——-

**WeSchemin began messaging Byleth Eisner at 8:57pm.**

**WeSchemin** : teach quick question

**Byleth** : something tells me this will not be a quick question 

**WeSchemin** : ok you’re right it won’t be 

**WeSchemin** : basically i had this idea late last night yeah? 

**WeSchemin** : and I talked about it with the students from the other houses and we all agreed 

**WeSchemin** : we want to celebrate Wyrm’s Hallow at the end of the wyvern moon

**WeSchemin** : you know, that old Faerghus holiday where they dressed up in costume and gave out treats and stuff?

**WeSchemin** : it would be a nice chance for everyone to take a break and bond a little

**Byleth** : yes I learned of that recently, from those textbooks. good to know you’ve been studying.

**Byleth** : however I am not entirely sure what you want here. 

**Byleth** : I want to know what you plan to do on Wyrm’s Hallow before I make any arrangements. Plus, Wyrm’s Hallow falls on the day of our missions. I don’t think Seteth or Rhea will want to reschedule our missions.

**WeSchemin** : ok here’s an idea. Let’s make the event take place a week or so before mission so people still have time to prepare.

**WeSchemin** : I’ll plan out the whole event and then send the details back to you. 

once I’m done planning then you can convince Rhea and the faculty to let the event take place.

**Byleth** : I suppose that works

**Byleth** : say, claude?

**Byleth** : I’ve been noticing that you’ve been really trying to help everyone get along. 

**Byleth** : is there any reason in particular as to why you want to do that?

**WeSchemin** : the school needs a better sense of overall morale 

**Byleth** : hm

**Byleth** : is that really it, claude? 

**WeSchemin** : of course. 

**Byleth** : hm

**Byleth** : well 

**Byleth** : I’ll see what I can do. Just give me those event plans back soon

  
**WeSchemin** : Can do and will do, teach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got a couple of (longer) chapters currently backlogged and ready to edit, so expect those to come out a bit quicker. Thanks so much for all the support! Seriously, 90+ kudos already?! You guys are fantastic! :D


	4. you've got a plan?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claude talks about Wyrm's Hallow preperations.

**Inter-House Chat - 12:04pm**

**WeSchemin** ** renamed Inter-House Chat to WYRM’S HALLOW **

**WeSchemin**: alright pals, lets get fucking planning

**WeSchemin**: now i know at least five of you only said yes on the poll because there will be sweets

**WeSchemin**: and a lot of you just havent done wyrms hallow before 

**WeSchemin**: but i PROMISE you this is gonna be cool as hell.

**horny**: wait we’re doing wyrm’s hallow?!?!??! Holy shit!!!!

**horny**: Why didnt anyone tell me about this ????

**chinken nunget**: because you were fucking asleep when Claude sent out the text 

**chinken nunget**: so /I/ had to put a vote on the poll FOR you

**horny**: oh

**horny**: well just know you got my FULL approval!!!

**VibeCheck**: so like whatcha got first?

**WeSchemin**: ok well. We’re all gonna give out sweets at sundown

**swordgay**: why sweets i fucking hate sweets

**horny**: calm down felix its for wyrm’s hallow!

**fettuccine**: sorry for felix ‘ s behavior . he hates wyrm ’ s hallow , and also hates sweets , because when we were five he ate so many sweets on wyrm ’ s hallow he threw up

**fettuccine**: I actually have pictures too !

**VibeCheck**: FFAJHAHSSJKDJKKJSD YAAALLLLLLL I CANT FUCKING BREATTHHEEEE

**lesbiab**: OH MY GOD WAIT. BABY FELIX WHAT DID BABY FELIX LOOK LIKE

**VibeCheck**: THATS THE BEST FUCKING THING IVE HEARD IN MY LIFEEEE

**lesbiab**: SHOW US THE FORBIDDEN BABY!!!!!

**swordgay**: STOP ENCOURAGING HIM

**VibeCheck**: BABY FELIX BABY FELIX BABY FELIX

**fettuccine sent wyrmshallow1794felix.jpg to the chat.**

**lesbiab**: OHHMYGODDDDD!!!!! 

**swordgay**: DIMITRI FUCK YOU

**swordgay**: FUCK YOU

**swordgay**: DELETE IT

**fettuccine**: why? You looked so cute

**fettuccine**: and camera shy . we had to force him to take that photo

**swordgay**: SHUT UP I WILL KILL YOU

**horny**: hes a cutie isnt he???

**horny**: we all went matching that year - the wizard of oz

**horny**: dimitri was the lion, I was the scarecrow, felix was toto and ingrid was dorothy!

**WeSchemin**: ok ok shit i gotta see baby dimi’s wyrm’s hallow costumes...

**swordgay**: hm.

**swordgay**: consider this revenge, dimitri.

**fettuccine**: wait what . felix NO

**fettuccine**: FELIX NO ! ! ! 

**swordgay sent dimitricinderella.jpg**

**fettuccine**: nooooooo ! !!

**WeSchemin**: AAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH

**WeSchemin**: IVE SEEN IT ALL NOW…

**fettuccine**: ughhh nooooo ! ! ! ! felix i told you not to show those pictures to anyone :(

**swordgay**: and i told you not to send people images of me dressed up as an animal. There you go. 

**swordgay**: asshat.

**VibeCheck**: OH MY GOD BABY DIMITRI IS SO CUTEEEEE

**lesbiab**: omg Is he wearing a dress? I thought that little girl was like your sister or something

**fettuccine**: yes . . .

**fettuccine**: I did not know it was in-appropriate for boys to wear dresses at the time .. .

**WeSchemin**: if you ask me 1. I think you looked rockin as hell with a dress 2. There aint nothin wrong with wearin a dress if ur a dude

**Bigmeatyclaws**: it’s true! Sometimes he’ll just come into class wearing a skirt

**WeSchemin**: claude likes to test skirt / accessory combos on me.

**VibeCheck**: because LEONIE is the only one my size and she doesnt LIKE skirts :///

**MiniBladeBreaker**: hey personal taste!!! Besides skirts are so uncomfy for everything.

**WeSchemin**: personally i find them nice n breezy 

**VibeCheck**: yes nice to show off your hairyass bigfoot legs

**WeSchemin**: i manscape, hilda, you know that,,,

**VibeCheck**: yeah claude shaves his STOMACH and BACK so he can wear CROP TOPS but literally nothing else

**VibeCheck**: you know how i know that? You know how? because im the one shaving your back. fucker 

**fettuccine**: ummm

**fettuccine**: thanks ? ?? for reassessing me ?

**fettuccine**: *reassuring me ?

**WeSchemin**: no problem dima just stating the facts

**TheLadyFlame**: I see you’re all talking about wyrm’s hallow costumes.

**TheLadyFlame**: Me and Dimitri went matching when he wore the dress that year, I was prince charming, he was cinderella.

**TheLadyFlame**: Because “our hair colours fit better.”

**fettuccine**: Edelgard ! !!

**lesbiab**: ooh! i’d like to see you in a prince charming costume this year, edie. ;) it fits <3

**TheLadyFlame**: perhaps I’ll think about that

**TheLadyFlame**: maybe we can match, Dorothea.

**lesbiab**: :00000!!!!

**WeSchemin**: yes!! Speaking of plans

**WeSchemin**: for everyone to prepare for the celebration, we’ll need to get some candy in advance. I’m gonna get teach to order some in bulk because it'll be cheaper that way

**WeSchemin**: however making your own sweets to hand out is very much encouraged!

**cinnamonroll**: heck yeah!!! Mercie and I are gonna get to practice our candy-making skills!!!

**HaveMercie**: oooh, how much should we make?

**WeSchemin**: as much as possible.

**HaveMercie**: oh gosh!

**HaveMercie**: that’s a tall order, but it’s not like we’ll get another chance to make sweets for everyone otherwise! ^^

**cinnamonroll**: i can’t wait.. I have so many tasty recipies i wanna tryyy

**cinnamonroll**: OOOOO 

**cinnamonroll**: WE CAN MAKE MINI PUMPKIN PIES

**cinnamonroll**: AND CAKE POPS!! :DDDDD

**HaveMercie**: calm down annie!!! we still have time 

**Dedude**: if you two wish, i can assist with the cooking.

**ubertdriver**: oh me too! And i’d love to hand out some treats on the day of :D

**WeSchemin**: you can ALL hand out treats if you want. 

**ubertdriver**: oh Dedue, have you ever celebrated wyrm’s hallow before?

**Dedude**: I am afraid not. 

**ubertdriver**: oh! That’s alright!

**ubertdriver**: me and annie and mercie can show you the ropes! I know my way around a wyrm’s hallow :)

**Dedude**: Thank you all. 

**WeSchemin**: make sure to finish your treatmaking before sundown, because that’s when the treat-handing starts

**ubertdriver**: and when you get your treats make sure you say “trick or treat” first!! :)

**shortking**: ...why tho

**shortking**: like whats the trick. Are we gonna have to guess which candies have woodchips in them or something

**ubertdriver**: no!!!! Its because youre saying, “if you dont give me a treat, i’ll play a trick on you”

**shortking**: wait does this mean we can do pranks on wyrm’s hallow?????!!!!

**ubertdriver**: only if you don’t get a treat!!!!! No pranks otherwise!!!!!

**WeSchemin**: ahah yes i was planning to have a fun harmless prank war that day too.

**shortking**: OOOO SHITTT

**FodlanExplain**: what is a “prank war”?

**horny**: it’s when everyone tries to play tricks on each other! 

**horny**: like, scaring people from behind a corner, or putting pie on someones face, or swapping the sugar for salt, 

**FodlanExplain**: that sounds strange? I do not have understanding as to why we should be putting pie onto the face instead of inside of the face. 

**ubertdriver**: it’s all for laughs! We just do silly things to surprise each other 

**horny**: or confuse,

**HaveMercie**: or amuse!

**TheLadyFlame**: Just so you know, the golden deer house is notorious for their practical “jokes”.

**TheLadyFlame**: Stay alert on Wyrm’s Hallow, Petra, they will attempt to dishonour you in any way possible.

**FodlanExplain**: i see, they are a group of cunning and formidable prank warriors. I will stay vigilant around the deer folk.

**WeSchemin**: yo edelgard? like, chill out a bit please ???

**shortking**: HAHA dont worry petra she’s just upset because Claude dumped a huuuuuge bucket of feathers and tar on her in freshman year

**schleepy**: and then, he said, “she really is a black eagle.” 

**TheLadyFlame**: It took me three days to wash my hair out, Claude. Bold of you to speak as if I’ve forgiven you.

  
**WeSchemin**: Edelgard PLEASE chill out you can prank me back on Wyrm’s Hallow 

**WeSchemin**: also I think hubert tried to poison me that day, so

**TheLadyFlame**: I refuse to attack you when you suspect it.

**shortking**: then why didnt you prank him back yet? Like you could have pranked him back literally any day of the year???

**I AM FERDINAND FON AEGIR**: /eyes emoji/

**TheLadyFlame**: I was, and still am, biding my time. You will know true pain when that day comes.

**WeSchemin**: terrifying! Absolutely fucking terrifying, thank you edelgard.

**FodlanExplain**: I am thinking of strategy for this prank war at this moment, but your discussion has given me a giggle.

**FodlanExplain**: because, the internal picture of edelgard covered in feathers is quite silly. :)

**Slytherin**: Do not commit treason.

**FodlanExplain**: ???

**TheLadyFlame**: Not yet, Hubert. We do not believe in harshly persecuting those who have committed thought crime.

**WeSchemin**: SEIROS ABOVE WILL YOU TWO /PLEASE/ CHILL OUT

**TheLadyFlame**: :) my flames only burn brighter, Claude. 

**WeSchemin**: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! 

**TheLadyFlame**: >:) You’ll find out. 

**lesbiab**: scary. Kinda hot!

**WeSchemin**: .i am so fucking afraid

**WeSchemin**: ANYWAYS 

**WeSchemin** : i’m planning some spooooooky fun activities for that night...   


**WeSchemin**: i was thinking bobbing for apples, pumpkin toss, scavenger hunt, fishing,,,

**WeSchemin**: magic show, dark magic tourney, wyrm’s hallow movie marathon (thank you dimitri and sylvain for recommendations), haunted house, aaaaand pumpkin carving

**Angery Miasma Demon**: i refuse to participate in the haunted house.

**WeSchemin**: OH and a feast / dance party, of course

**WeSchemin**: I made a playlist for the dance too, lemme know what you think

**WeSchemin sent a link to the chat: ** [ https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLndwCuK9tgWbiA6C4HClEsHtaPKN21I73 ](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLndwCuK9tgWbiA6C4HClEsHtaPKN21I73)

**swordgay**: That playlist sucks ass

**horny**: I for one think it slaps 

**lesbiab**: I think it’s got a very art nouveau vibe.

**footsucker**: I don’t any of these songs qualify as music.

**horny**: @footsucker your mom suck me good and hard thru my jorts 

**WeSchemin**: i tried to keep it family friendly

**WeSchemin**: cuz its a school dance. 

**horny**: my only criticism is to put panty division twenty years of cock on there

**MiniBladeBreaker**: family friendly, dumbass

**Slytherin**: I have a question. Are participants in the dark magic tourney allowed to kill

**WeSchemin**: No.

**Slytherin**: worthless

\----

**Byleth Eisner began messaging WeSchemin at 4:45pm**

**Byleth**: so Wyrm’s hallow has been approved by faculty

**WeSchemin**: And the music?!

**Byleth**: yes, and the music.

**WeSchemin**: Wait REALLY?!!! Even bustin?

**Byleth**: yes.

**WeSchemin**: Hell yeah!!!! What!!! Hell yeah!!!

**WeSchemin**: i was worried they’d make us listen to church music for the whole dance 

**WeSchemin**: Considering how. Wyrm’s hallow is all very, ah, soft horror themed

**Byleth**: ah now heres the thing see.

**Byleth**: you can hold the celebration, if, and only if, Flayn and the rest of the faculty celebrate as well

**Byleth**: Flayn was the most visibly receptive to the idea and absolutely jumped for joy when I talked about the plans.

**Byleth** : i would even say that she was the one who most helped convince Seteth and   
Rhea to allow the event. So you need to invite her too.

**WeSchemin**: Easy peasy!!!!! That’s what I was planning anyways, I wanted everyone in on it

  
**Byleth**: ha ha

**Byleth**: Catherine and alois are very excited for what you have in store. 

**Byleth**: as well as me. I can also help out with planning, if you need anything.

**WeSchemin**: Thank you so much teach!

**Byleth**: oh, right. One last thing to ask

**WeSchemin**: Yeah?

**Byleth**: Flayn has a new phone, and Seteth requested that Flayn be added to the group chat.

**WeSchemin**: oh ?

**Byleth**: it was actually more like flayn requested she be added to the group chat, who then told seteth to tell me to do it. She wants friends. 

**Byleth**: So yes, we are adding flayn to the inter-house group chat. Try not to swear around her, Seteth monitors the phone.

**WeSchemin**: I will do my best to round up the wild horse pack that is all your students

**Byleth**: good. I’m letting Edelgard and Dimitri know as well. 

**WeSchemin**: gotcha

**WYRM’S HALLOW - 6:15pm**

**Flayn**: hello!!! This is flan!! Hi everyone!!

**Flayn**: i meant flan

**Flayn**: flan

**Flayn**: this phone is quite difficult to use

**WeSchemin**: if you go to settings you can turn off autocorrect

**fettuccine**: yoy can do that??????!!!!!!!!

**fettuccine**: yiu*

**fettuccine**: *YOU 

**Flayn**: ah! Thank you!

**Flayn**: Flayn

**Flayn**: yes! It works! Thank you , Claude.

**WeSchemin**: wow that was fast. You’re a quick learner

**WeSchemin**: also, how did you know it was me?

**Flayn**: Edelgard messaged me your nick-names. I will make sure to memorize them!

**Flayn**: my brother is struggling with his phone skills, but i am trying to learn quickly as possible :)

**VibeCheck**: oooh you even know how to do emoticons! Smart flayn!!

**Flayn**: hehe thank you! I have a very good phone tutor.

**TheLadyFlame**: welcome to the chat, flayn.

**fettuccine**: greetings , flayn . Who is teaching you how to use the phone?

**Flayn**: sylvain!

**TheLadyFlame**: sylvain???

**fettuccine**: sylvain ? Why say;vain

**fettuccine**: I hat this phone 

**chinken nunget**: god damnit sylvain

**fettuccine**: no swearing ingrid flayn is in the chat .

**chinken nunget**: flayn, has he been teaching you anything strange?

**Flayn**: no, i do not think so? We keep an arm’s length away from each other, because i am not allowed to touch him , breathe near him, or directly look at him.

**Flayn**: But I know he is good at using the phone so i asked for his assistance. 

**horny**: awwww come on yall 

**horny**: you dont trust me with flayn??? Shes a good kiddo i would Never do Anything to hurt her.

**swordgay**: yeah fucking right

**fettuccine**: language , felix

**swordgay**: fuck you too, shitlips

**WeSchemin**: okay clearly we’re gonna have to do something about the cussing here

**horny**: oh don't worry about that ;p

**chinken nunget**: ????why not????

**Flayn**: do not worry, friends! I have made an agreement with horny / sylvain. i will not tell my brother about the swearing and or repeat any bad words out loud. :) 

**horny**: in return we have to agree to give flayn our love and utmost appreciation

**horny**: her words, not mine. 

**WeSchemin**: ok, well, since im an admin, i agree on behalf of the whole chat that we will all love and appreciate flayn until the end of foreseeable time.

**Flayn**: hooray!!!! :DDD

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR**: Hold on a second! We cannot truly say we have invited flayn without giving her a nickname!

**lesbiab**: oh shit ur right for once ferdie

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR**: Flayn , what title shall we address you with? 

**Flayn**: oh! You can pick!

**horny**: how about fishgirl

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR**: green girl!

**fettuccine**: small?

**Slytherin**: All of those names sound absolutely foolish. Seteth will have our heads.

**schleepy**: cethleann.

**lesbiab**: Croissant!

**Flayn**: ooh! I like croissants!

**Flayn**: especially with a side of smoked salmon and creamed cheese…

**WeSchemin**: So we’re going with croissant?

**Flayn**: yes!

**WeSchemin** ** renamed Flayn to croissant. **

**croissant**: Yay!!! Also may I ask a question?

**croissant**: why croissant?

**lesbiab**: oh umm

**lesbiab**: it’s because your lovely curls look like a croissant?

**croissant**: oh! I see

**croissant**: that means I look nice, right?

**lesbiab**: yes, yes! Like a delicious adorable croissant.:)

**VibeCheck**: man. Im hungry for croissants now

**VibeCheck**: brb 

**VibeCheck** **is Offline.**

**Flayn**: Bye VibeCheck / Hilda!!!

**Flayn**: I hope we all become good friends :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wyrm’s Hallow festival comes up in maybe one or two chapters, I want to spend some time developing the cast’s relationships first. Also this is pretty Claude-centric right now, but more characters will get some time in the spotlight, so look out for that. Also, thanks so much for your overwhelming support! I truly can’t thank you enough.
> 
> Also: the youtube link works.


	5. croissants and the like

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hilda gets Marianne some desserts. Petra and Bernadetta team up. Ferdinand and Hubert have a contest, and the faculty group chat gets a makeover.

**VibeCheck began messaging angel at 6:59pm.**

**VibeCheck** : Marianne!! 

**VibeCheck** : Mari!!

**VibeCheck** : marianeeeeee

**angel** : hi hi,lda 

**angel** : is something wrong?

**VibeCheck** : no silly! I just wanted to say hi!

**VibeCheck** : also I’m Very hungry for croissants. flayn got added to the group chat and everyone was talking about croissants and I’m hungryyyy

**VibeCheck** : we could go to the night market???

**angel** : oh … im very sorry hilda … I can’t make it...

**angel** : thank you truly for the offer, but my throat is really hurting me ;-;

**angel** : I can’t talk out loud, so I have to use the phone, too… 

**VibeCheck** : oh noooooo!!!! DDDD: poor you!!

**angel** : i hope you enjoy the croissants though !.

**VibeCheck** : WaAait. What if I brought you them instead

**angel** : you wwould really do that for me??

**VibeCheck** : of course! Just think of it as a get-well gift from me!

**VibeCheck** : And in return, I want to see you back to health As Soon As Possible!

**angel** : thank you so much hilda ;;-;; you’re very kind…

**angel** : I trulyy appreciate it ..!

**VibeCheck** : I’m serious. if I see you sick for longer than three days I will personally travel up your nose and beat your throat virus to death. :)

**angel** : um .. I think that would hurt my nostrils . but I am very happy you would do such a thing for me ;;;

**VibeCheck** : you bet! Now leave it to your ol pal Hilda to help make you feel better. Get some rest ok Marianne?

**angel** : I will… thank you;;

**VibeCheck** : <3

—

**VibeCheck began messaging cinnamonroll, croissant and Dedude at 7:15pm.**

**VibeCheck** : hi guyssss!!

**Dedude** : Hilda? 

**cinnamonroll** : hi hilda!!

**croissant** : good evening, Hilda!

**VibeCheck** : ok sorry for putting you both in a little group so suddenly but! I have a dire crisis on my hands

**VibeCheck** : and before you ask ANY questions it’s about Desserts

**cinnamonroll** : oh goodness I thought it was scary for a second there!

**Dedude** : May I ask what you need? 

**VibeCheck** : oh just wondering. What croissants should I give to a sick Person?

**Dedude** : I would recommend more nutritional dishes. Perhaps try making them a homemade broth.

**Dedude** : Preferably with ginger or orange to help with immunity. 

**cinnamonroll** : something chocolate! A chocolate croissant. Chocolate helps colds, right?

**cinnamonroll** : Mercedes told me that. She told me ice cream works too!

**Dedude** : Dairy makes your nose run more. Same goes with ice cream.

**croissant** : I would recommend some plain croissants with a side of fruit salad and honey-lemon tea! My Brother insists on giving me fruit when I am sick, so perhaps that may help.

**croissant** : (If you ask me - add some melted chocolate to the fruit ;P it makes them tastier!)

**Dedude** : Again, dairy will make your nose run. 

**VibeCheck** : Okay so im gonna get a couple of teas, fruits, an entire chocolate fountain, aaaaaand crossiants. Thanks guys ;;;P

**VibeCheck** : love you!!!!

**VibeCheck is offline.**

**Dedude** : Did she say a whole chocolate fountain?

**cinnamonroll** : well all the more power to her! 

**Dedude** : Where would she even find that?

**croissant** : i want chocolate now…

**croissant** : I’m going to the dining hall! I will see you later, friends!

**croissant is offline.**

**Dedude** : Please brush your teeth well tonight, both of you…

—-

**VibeCheck began messaging angel at 7:50pm.**

**VibeCheck** : mariiiiiiiii

**VibeCheck** : unlock your door 

**VibeCheck** : also make sure to hold it open because we have a big load of STUFF coming in

**angel** : wwwhat stuff???

**VibeCheck** : just open the door Marianne 

**angel** : 

**angel** : oh goddess

**VibeCheck** : oh goddess is RIGHT babey!!! Check all this shit outtt

**angel** : where did you get all of this??

**VibeCheck** : I know a guy. ANYWAYS LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT IT

**VibeCheck** : so the fruits are gonna help you regain all your vitamins so you can fight off that nasty throat virus. The tea is to help soothe your throat, and the chocolate is 

**VibeCheck** : well it’s there and it’s fuckin good what else can I say!!!

**angel** : oh hilda.. I don’t know what I can do to thank you enough

**angel** : this is all so much, you really didn’t have to do this ! ;;

**VibeCheck** : aww Marianne you know I’d do anything for you,,,

**VibeCheck** : yknow cuz I already do!! lolkjjgdsffygjv

**angel** : thank you, truly.. ;o; 

**angel** : it’s delicious.. ;

**VibeCheck** : yaaaa !!! isn’t it tasty???

**VibeCheck** : Now I expect you to get better Lickety-Split, okay?

**VibeCheck** : and once you’re healthy again we can find a place to put this giant chocolate fountain! 

**VibeCheck** : and we can go out for croissants proper!

**angel** : that sounds lovely! I will try to get better soon… for you

**angel** : hehe c:

**VibeCheck** : MARIANNE…….

**VibeCheck** : <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

  
  


—

  
  
  


**FodlanExplain began messaging Berniebaby at 8:01pm.**

**FodlanExplain** : Bernadetta Hello! :D

**Berniebaby** : e

**FodlanExplain** : ?

**FodlanExplain** : Bernadetta, are you not responding?

**Berniebaby** : sorry sorry sorry!!!

**Berniebaby** : I didn’t know what to saywhen people talk to me uhhhh””’cnngh

**FodlanExplain** : Oh! Not to worry, we are all having like that sometimes :)

**Berniebaby** : thank u ahhh,,,’

**FodlanExplain** : please forgive me for the unusual greet. I wanted to ask if you would be my prank partner for the wyrm’s Hallow prank war!

**Berniebaby** : wwait there are teams???

**FodlanExplain** : Yes! Claude said that if we wanted to, we could make teams of two for the event.

**Berniebaby** : oh um

**FodlanExplain** : such is why I wanted to ask you.

**Berniebaby** : ummm

**Berniebaby** : why me tho? I mean

**Berniebaby** : I’m not verygood at being, scary, and stuff

**Berniebaby** : also we’ll probably get kickedout fast because of how scared I am!!

**FodlanExplain** : actually, that is precisely why I wanted to seek your aid!

**FodlanExplain** : you are sneaky like a mouse. Nobody hears you when you walk.

**FodlanExplain** : plus you are very alert ! Together, we will be able to spot traps before we are caught. 

**Berniebaby** : oh,,

**Berniebaby** : I mean , I suppose,,,

**Berniebaby** : wwhats in it for me tho? It’s haha kinda risky! Hahnnndfgg,,,,

**FodlanExplain** : If we win, you will be getting a giant box of sweet ! 

**FodlanExplain** : I am not highly keen on Fodlan sweet. I am in the event for the fun and honour.

**FodlanExplain** : so I would like to give all the sweet to you , if we win. :)

**Berniebaby** : Wait really?? That means I’ll

**Berniebaby** : ill be able to get sweets without needing to go all the way to the dining hall and embarrassing myself in front of everyone?????

**FodlanExplain** : I am thinking so.? Yes. 

**Berniebaby** : oh! Okay Um

**Berniebaby** : as long as you’re watching my back the whole time I’ll do it!

**FodlanExplain** : Yes!! I am very glad, Bernadetta. Thank you for helping me. :) You Have all my thanks.

**Berniebaby** : oh..! No problem!! You too! 

**Berniebaby** : just. Please don’t let me get freaked out by the others wwwwggghhhh

**FodlanExplain** : trust me. We are going to be the best of the prank. The spoils will be going to us.

**FodlanExplain** : in fact, I am having an idea…..

—-

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** began messaging Slytherin at 3:20pm.

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : Hubert, did you already clean out the stables???

**Slytherin** : Yes, because you didn’t show up on time.

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : Ah, that is not quite fair! My duty is my responsibility alone.

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : You need not focus on tasks meant for me especially when I can do them better!

**Slytherin** : But you didn’t.

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : do not sass me, good sir. 

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : for I will sass back thrice as hard.

**Slytherin** : Fine. Just get your work done. I’d hate to waste my time picking up after you, anyways.

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : Why you smug little rat! 

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : how about this. I will prove to you that I am perfectly capable of doing my work, alone, and better than you!

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : I challenge you to a Stuff Duel!

**Slytherin** : What the hell is that. 

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : we will see who can get more tasks finished in a day’s time. If I win then I get to officially be more capable than Thou. If not then

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** :,, we’ll discuss that later I suppose??

**Slytherin** : fine.

**Slytherin** : I’m tired of your notifications spamming the hell out of my phone, so I’ll do it if you shut up.

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : Perfect! You had better obtain your tally chart, Hubert, for I am ready to dethrone you as The Responsible One one task at a time. >:D

**Slytherin** : so you admit I’m the responsible one?

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** :

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : ok just shut up and do the work

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** is offline.

**Slytherin** : ha.

**Slytherin is offline.**

—

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR began messaging Slytherin at 4:55pm.**

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : I have finished sweeping, scooping and brushing the horses! How about that, Hubert?

**Slytherin** : washed the dishes, watered the plants, and plucked the weeds.

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : damnit

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : alright I’ll get ahead of you soon!!!

—-

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR began messaging Slytherin at 6:13pm.**

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : OKAY

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : I have assisted the professor with their delivery duties. 

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : In fact we are both currently engaged in helping a young lost child find his mother in the marketplace. How’s that?!

**Slytherin** : I was busy helping Edelgard with training.

**Slytherin** : I’m also currently trying to help her study, so if you could, stop texting me. 

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : okay. Well.

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : I’ll get ahead of you soon I swear it!!

**Slytherin** : Yes, Yes. Truly though, you should off your phone and go help that poor boy find his mother. 

**Slytherin** : Imagine his little wails. 

**Slytherin** : Oooh mommy, I’m sorry I couldn’t find you sooner. Ferdinand was too busy messaging Hubert over an annoying magic brick instead of focusing on what he actually needed to do. Waah.

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : ! Hubert you are very passive aggressive sometimes and it is very annoying !!

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : Wait SHIT !!! THE KID!!!

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** **is offline.**

**Slytherin** : Hah.

—-

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR began messaging Slytherin at 9:42pm.**

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : OKAY FUCK

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : so I have washed the laundry, hammered out the armour, polished the training blades and took out the trash!!! Have I impressed you yet?!?!

**Slytherin** : Well.

**Slytherin** : I dried the laundry YOU washed, put away the library books, bought some groceries from the night market, and helped lady Edelgard edit her essay.

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : god

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : DAMNIT

**Slytherin** : are you still insistent on keeping up this little game?

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : of course I am!!! I will not rest until you lose!!!

**Slytherin** : Fine. Keep it up, then. I’ve got more than enough hours in the night.

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : FINE! I will see you defeated by my own two hard-working hands!!

—-

**TheLadyFlame began messaging Slytherin and I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR at 3:45am.**

**TheLadyFlame** : Ferdinand.

**TheLadyFlame** : Hubert. 

**TheLadyFlame** : What in fuck’s name are you DOING 

**TheLadyFlame** : WHY IS THERE KNOCKING AT MY DOOR???

**TheLadyFlame** : why is there so much NOISE!!!

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : Good evening, Edelgard. Our apologies for the interruption!

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : also would you happen to have any more tasks for us to complete????

**TheLadyFlame** : NO

**TheLadyFlame** : it is fucking FOUR IN THE MORNING

**TheLadyFlame** : GO TO BED!

**Slytherin** : I will stay up longer to complete any further duties that need to be attended to.

**TheLadyFlame** : that goes for you too hubert. get to fucking bed.

**TheLadyFlame** : sothis fuck I swear. 

**TheLadyFlame** : when does this stupid little competition of yours end anyways?

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : hm. I wasn’t sure about that. I guess whoever gives up first? 

**Slytherin** : whoever Collapses of exhaustion first I assume.

**TheLadyFlame** : ARRRGHHHH….

**TheLadyFlame** : as your house leader I’m calling off the competition. My input is that both of you are equally capable and equally stupid. 

**TheLadyFlame** : also both of you two get to sleep and that is an order. Now.

**Slytherin** : my most sincere apologies, lady Edelgard. I am sorry for disappointing you.

**Slytherin** : Ferdinand started it first, but it was my own mistake to get involved in such a petty squabble.

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : I’m sorry Edelgard… this truly is shameful. Also shut up Hubert you started it.

**TheLadyFlame** : Fantastic. I’m going to sleep. Goodnight.

**TheLadyFlame is offline.**

**Slytherin** : You DID start it though, Ferdinand.

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : You’re the one who did my chores for me!!

**Slytherin** : And you made the idea of the competition in the first place. So whose fault was it really?

**TheLadyFlame is online** .

**TheLadyFlame** : SHUT UP!!! 

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR: SORRY**

**Slytherin** : Sorry, my lady

**Slytherin** **is offline.**

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR is offline.**

**TheLadyFlame is offline.**

—

**TheLadyFlame began messaging Byleth Eisner at 8:15am.**

**TheLadyFlame** : Good morning, Professor.

**Byleth** : I’m not receiving notifications at the moment. If this is urgent, please reply with “urgent” 

**TheLadyFlame** : urgent

**Byleth** : What

**TheLadyFlame** : Good morning, professor, I have an inquiry about practical cellphone usage and how we can more effectively utilize these devices during combat.

**Byleth** : I’m not receiving notifications at the moment. If this is urgent, please reply with “urgent” 

**TheLadyFlame** : Professor….

**TheLadyFlame** : urgent

**Byleth** : Sorry was fishing

**TheLadyFlame** : it’s fifteen minutes until class?

**Byleth** : I can run

**Byleth** : anyways what 

**TheLadyFlame** : I was attempting to use the video functions in order to record enemy movements from a distance, but noticed that the audio was nearly impossible to hear. They were speaking words, and I wished to know what they were saying to better help plan the attack. 

**TheLadyFlame** : perhaps we could add a transcript or caption feature to the videos? I believe this would help make the phones much more effective tools in battle.

**Byleth** : uhhhh

**Byleth** : I mean that’s complicated. I’ll have to ask hanneman and the rest of the faculty about it 

**Byleth** : but I do see what you mean. It would be good to have better reconnaissance features with our hands, since we can’t sacrifice good scouts 

**Byleth** : I’ll look into it. Thanks Edelgard

**TheLadyFlame** : Many thanks, my teacher. 

—

**FACULTITTY - 12:13pm**

**Hanneman** : I still hate this chat’s name 

**Seteth** : Agreed. Who gave Manuela admin rights again?

**Manuela** : come on guys it’s cute!! Even us teachers need to have a little humour sometimes. ;)

**Byleth** : can we implement a new feature into the student devices

**Byleth** : a video transcript feature specifically . That can translate words into text no matter how distant

**Seteth** : Greetings, Professor Eisner. So very nice of you to say hello first.

**Seteth** : /sarcasm

**Manuela** : uhh you know you can just remove the “arcasm” part from the /s right? It’ll still get the point across honey 

**Seteth** : I am swear but wanted to make myself clear.

**Seteth** : *aware not swear

**Hanneman** : Hello Professor Eisner! That’s a tall order now ! I’d have to work a little bit of magic there. 

**Hanneman** : who asked for the update?

**Byleth** : Edelgard

**Byleth** : She is usually smart I think. 

**Seteth** : Thag’s not very reassuring.

**Seteth** : *that’s

**Seteth** : this phone has very small buttons. Hanneman, do you know how to make the buttons bigger? 

**Hanneman** : Seteth, I will see what I can do for your phone. I had a similar issue with Dimitri while back so it shouldn’t take too long.

**Hanneman** : As for the recon feature I’ll look into communication-based spells and all that. You want to just build it into the video right?

**Byleth** : Yes

**Byleth** : so even if let’s say you were talking from a couple hundred yards away if I pointed the phone at you it would still accurately transcribe your speech and also list your name 

**Jertiza** : where is the milk

**Hanneman** : okay, I probably will not be able to accommodate for a couple hundred yards, but I can do …. a hundred yards at most?

**Jeritza** : who stole my fucking milk

**Rhea** : Hello, everyone.

**Rhea** : it is Rhea speaking, I got a new phone. 

**Rhea** : Could we change the name of the chat please? :)

**Seteth** : Lady Rhea, What is that thing at the end of your sentence?

**Rhea** : That is an emoticon. Flayn taught me about them. 

**Byleth** : ok as long as it works reliably 

**Hanneman** : when do you need it by?

**Rhea** : I think it would be good to rename the chat to “church chat.”

**Jertiza** : where’s my milk

**Jeritza** : where’s my milk ill kill you

**Byleth** : As soon as possible

**Seteth** : Jertiza, do not threaten the archbishop, that is a crime which can be punishable with death.

**Rhea** : It is alright, the milk was expired. Cyril went shopping to get some more :)

**Manuela** : oh shit I forgot to ask him to get a new case of beer

**Manuela** : shittttttt. Ya girls gonna die out for the week arrrggghhhh

**Jertiza** : oh 

**Jertiza** : where’s my sowrd 

**Jertiza** : sword

**Rhea** : Sorry, I don’t know where that is, would you like to check the weapons storage?

**Jertiza** : I do not trust the weapon storage 

**Hanneman** : Would it be alright if I got it to you by the end of this week?

**Byleth** : more than alright 

**Manuela** : @Rhea dear you have admin rights, you can rename the chat

**Rhea** : Ah, I remember now.

**Rhea renamed FACULTITTY to church chat :)**

**Jertiza** : I do not like that little face it makes me uncomfortable 

**Rhea renamed church chat to church chat :o)**

**Jertiza** : wworse it is worse

**Seteth** : the archbishop will not keep accommodating you forever, Jertiza. Take it or leave it.

**Jertiza** : I do not like the little face it reminds me of a clown

**Jertiza** : I do not like clown

**Rhea** : I suppose you are right. Clowns are inherently sinners and opposition of the goddess, after all. 

**Manuela** : Wait What?? They’re what?? CLOWNS????

**Rhea renamed church chat :o) to church chat uwu**

**Rhea** : Flayn taught me about the “uwu” face, which is a sign of endearing and happy things. Is this alright?

**Byleth** : @Rhea @Jertiza no all of them are terrible. I mean no offence by that but they are all terrible.

**Seteth** : how about just… “church chat”? Like you suggested before, Rhea.

**Byleth renamed the chat to Education Station.**

Manuela: no rhea isn’t a teacher let’s do 

**Manuela renamed Education Station to GARREG MACHINATORS**

**Rhea** : That is far too aggressive, Manuela!

**Rhea renamed GARREG MACHINATORS to United In Prayer ^_^**

**Jertiza** : no faces no faces no faces no fa 

**croissant** : hello everyone?

**Jertiza** : why are you here

**croissant** : Hello, Professor Jertiza 

**Jertiza** : who the hell is that

**croissant** : it’s me, Flayn!

**Hanneman** : Oh! Greetings Flayn!

Rhea: Hello, Flayn. :)

**Seteth** : Flayn, what are you doing?

**Byleth** : hi

**Manuela** : Flayn!!! Hi sweetie!!! <3

**croissant** : hello!!! 

**croissant** : I see you are trying to come up with names! 

**croissant** : how about…. garreg mach staff pond?

**croissant** : because we are all like fish swimming in the same little pond. :)

**Manuela** : that is adorable Flayn! 

**Manuela** : and the students are our roe :)

**Byleth** : that is very cute, I will rename the chat to that

**Byleth renamed United In Prayer ^_^ to garreg mach staff pond**

**croissant** : Oh!! How sweet!

**croissant** : perhaps we should come up with nicknames like the students???

**Rhea** : Nicknames? 

**Seteth** : Flayn are you sure that is a good idea. I do not want to be referring to anyone important like you-know-who with a Silly Name

**croissant** : but we are all friends here brother!!!

**Manuela** : Yeah!! If I can’t keep FACULTITTY can’t we at least have SOMETHING funny here??? So I don’t have to die a little inside every time I get a notification on this chat?????

**Jeritza** : if you are dying you should seek medical assistance

**Jertiza** : internal bleeding is fatal if left untreated

**Manuela** : …..Jertiza honey…..I’m a doctor…….i know that …..

**Rhea** : Well as long as everything is nice and church-appropriate, I am fine with it.

**croissant** : hooray!!! 

**croissant** : ummm…. brother! You shall be….

**croissant** : bagel man!

**croissant** : the big brother of the croissant! 

**Seteth** : please do not call me bagel man.

**Manuela renamed Seteth to bagel man**

**bagel man** : Manuela,

**croissant** : Miss Manuela! You shall be….Professor superstar!

**Manuela** : SWEETIE… that’s the best name I’ve heard in my life 

**Manuela** : I’m gonna cry. I’m gonna start cryign. Flayn, you are so sweet. Bless your little soul

**Byleth renamed Manuela to Professor Superstar. **

**croissant** : Professor Jertiza!

**Jertiza** : What

**croissant** : you are hereby dubbed…..

**croissant** : ummm…

**croissant** : milkwalker!

**Jertiza** : but why

**croissant** : you remind me of the milkwalker? 

**croissant** : he looks like this

**croissant** sent  [ milkwalker.jpg ](https://i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/021/801/tumblr_ohd6wazXRS1r0mjn1o1_500.jpg) to the chat.

**Jertiza** : I do not look like that

**Jertiza** : I am going to beat up the milk walker 

**Jertiza** : where does he live

**Jertiza** : where does he live

**Byleth** : are we gonna name Jertiza milkwalker???

**Byleth** : I was thinking like “anonymous” or “death vader” or something

**Jertiza** : no

**Rhea renamed Jertiza to anonymous milk vader.**

**Rhea** : I combined all of your suggestions together. 

**anonymous milk vader** : no

**croissant** : Hanneman!

**Hanneman** : Yes Flayn!

**croissant** : you’re ham me man!

**Hanneman** : hm. 

**Hanneman** : Well, at this point it’s not like it gets any better.

**Byleth renamed Hanneman to ham me man.**

**croissant** : Professor Eisner! 

**Byleth** : Yes.

**croissant** : you are….professor big bass!

**Byleth** : pr 

**Byleth** : professor big bass.

**Professor Superstar** : FLAYN…..DARLING 

**Byleth** : 

**Byleth** : It’s amazing. I feel like I might well up and cry. Thank you so much, flayn. 

**Professor Superstar renamed Byleth Eisner to PROFESSOR BIG BASS.**

**croissant** : Ladyyyy Rhea!!!! 

**Rhea** : Yes, Flayn?

**bagel man** : oh no.

**croissant** : you are……

**croissant** : …..hashtag blessed.

**Rhea** : What does that mean?

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : it means more or less that you are blessed basically

**Rhea** : ah! :) how sweet. I like that, I will change my name to that.

**bagel man** : does that mean something offensive?

**bagel man** : what is a hash tag? 

**ham me man** : This isn’t the search engine, seteth. 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS renamed Rhea to hashtag blessed.**

**croissant** : have we got everyone?

**hashtag blessed** : WAIT!

**bagel man** : what’s wrong Rhea? Is eheything okay?!

**bagel man** : *everything

**bagel man** : I swear I’m reaching my limit.

**hashtag blessed** : We forgot about Jeralt!

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : oh right dad

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : @Jeralt

**hashtag blessed** : @Jeralt

**croissant** : @Jeralt !!!

**anonymous milk vader** : @Jeralt please fight me I have asked you eighteen times

**Jeralt** : What

**bagel man** : He’s exactly like Byleth when it comes to responding to things, isn’t he. /sarcasm

**Jeralt** : dont sass me

**Jeralt** : Wait who the hell are you

**Jeralt** : who’s bagel man, and why am I surrounded by idiots

**croissant** : that is my brother! I , croissant, am Flayn. :)

**croissant** : we were wondering if we could give you a nickname in the chat!

**Jeralt** : No thanks. Sorry kid, but I would really prefer not to.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : dad come on we are all doing it

**Jeralt** : . Byleth why are you named professor big bass. 

**Jeralt** : it looks like professor big ass.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : no swearing flayns here

**Jeralt** : oh my god.

**Jeralt** : ok what nickname would you give me if you had to give me a nickname

**croissant** : um

**croissant** : Bigger professor big bass!

**Jeralt** : ...

**hashtag blessed** : how about Jerry?

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : dad man

**Professor Superstar** : Daddy ;)

**bagel man** : MANUELA

**ham me man** : I don’t think Manuela is a good name for Jeralt.

**bagel man** : you know that is not what I meant! 

**croissant** : okay. I am doing eenie meenie miney moe to decide!

**croissant** : ...and the winner is dad man! 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : yessss. 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS renamed Jeralt to dad man.**

**dad man** : ok can I turn this thing off for the rest of my life now

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : no.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : because I love you.

**dad man** : ok stop it and get back to grading your kids’ assignments you big baby 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : :p

—-

**Catherine began messaging Shamir at 12:34am** .

**Catherine** : yo Shamir I just woke up in a cold sweat

**Shamir** : it is midnight what the hell 

**Catherine** : do you ever get the feeling like someone just fucking FORGOT you

**Shamir** : no go back to bed

**Catherine** : okay.

—-

**Alois began messaging Shamir at 1:20am.**

**Alois** : SHAMIR

**Alois** : DO YOU EVER GET THE FEELING THAT A BUNCH OF PEOPLE JUST FORGOT YOU???

**Alois** : I KNOW IT SOUNDS VERY STRANGE, BECAUSE IT SORT OF IS. 

**Shamir** : you’re the second person who’s asked me this tonight. No, and go to sleep.

**Alois** : OKAY

**Alois** : WELL TEXT ME WHEN YOU ARE NOT SLEEPING.

**Alois** : FOR REAL THOUGH I FEEL AS IF WE HAVE BEEN MISSING IN SOME VERY IMPORTANT THING!

**Alois** : IT IS GRATING ON ME AND I DO NOT KNOW WHY?

**Shamir** **has blocked Alois.**

**Alois** : SHAMIR????

**Alois** : HELLO???

**Alois** : OKAY WELL GOODNIGHT!

**Alois** : DON'T LET THE BED BUGS BITE.

**Alois** : BECAUSE THEY DO THAT AND I KNOW YOU ARE AFRAID OF INSECTS.

**Alois** : HAHA!

**Alois** : ...

**Alois** : PLEASE RESPOND.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew this was a long one! Hope you guys don't mind the length! Shamir, Alois and Catherine will get their nicknames too, don't worry. Next chapter will probably be a pre- Wyrm's Hallow thing with some slice of life in there too.
> 
> Also! I can't believe we broke 200 kudos! Thank you guys so much, truly!


	6. aw man (x24)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of the faculty gets nicknames. Petra and Bernadetta get planning for the prank war. The students discuss Wyrm's Hallow costumes and sing a little. Byleth makes an announcement.

**garreg mach staff pond - 7:22am**

**Alois** : GREETINGS, EVERYONE!

**Alois** : THIS PLACE LOOKS A LITTLE DIFFERENT. WHO IS EVERYONE AGAIN?

**Catherine** : woah, you guys sure fucked up this place.

**Professor Superstar** : Hi Catherine, hi Alois. We did a revamp of the chat last night. I’ll message you everyone’s new usernames. 

**Professor Superstar** : oh yes, Flayn came up with them! Isn’t that sweet?

**Catherine** : thanks, Manuela...i’d really like to know who bagel man is

**Professor Superstar** : It’s….setethghjfhjjbh

**Catherine** : WAIT WHAT? YO

**Alois** : COULD WE PERHAPS GET NEW NAMES TOO? I’M ALMOST FEELING A LITTLE LEFT OUT! HAHA

**Catherine** : @Shamir come get ur name

**Shamir** : huh

**Shamir** : nicknames will just make your names harder to read. Why should we do that?

**Catherine** : think of it like getting codenames. Helps keep it a secret.

**Professor Superstar** : Oooh, smart Catherine. Plus you never know if one of the more rascally students will get their hands on your phone and look through your emails and steal the test answers!

**Professor Superstar** : NOT as if that has ever happened before HAHA! !!! 

**Shamir** : Fine. Just don’t give me anything stupid. 

**Catherine** : should I be Thunderbrand? 

**Shamir** : No. That’s the most obvious shit I’ve heard in my life.

**Catherine** : wow ok someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning! 

**Catherine** : Manuela, got any ideas?

**Professor Superstar** : CATherine!

**Professor Superstar** : Catty?

**Shamir** : Even worse. 

**Shamir** : Let’s make this easy. I’m eagle one, she’s eagle two.

**Alois** : does that make me eagle three?

**Alois** : *DOES THAT MAKE ME EAGLE THREE?

**Shamir** : no. You're a bear.

**Professor Superstar** : it’s not recognizable enouuuughhhh!

**Catherine** : okay.

**Catherine** : I’ll be Catwoman,

**Catherine** : Shamir will be Hawkeye,

**Catherine** : Alois will be The PUNisher.

**Alois** : AHA, THAT’S A CLEVER ONE! I’LL TAKE IT.

**Shamir** : Wait those are all just,

**Professor Superstar** : I think those are fantastic and fun name choices! Good for you, Catherine.

**Professor Superstar renamed Catherine to Catwoman.**

**Professor Superstar renamed Shamir to Hawkeye.**

**Professor Superstar renamed Alois to The PUNisher.**

**Hawkeye** : @Catwoman nerd.

**Catwoman** : ;) what can I say? They’re good names.

**Hawkeye** : nerd.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS:** What is happening 

**Catwoman** : Hey Professor Big Ass

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : is anyone willing to help out with the wyrm’s hallow activities

**bagel man** : We need someone to chaperone the dance, monitor the prank war , act in the haunted house , referee the magic tourney , and help out in the dining hall . 

**croissant** : that seems difficult for someone to do all at once though? 

**bagel man** : that is not what I meant Flayn . 

**The PUNisher** : I’D BE GLAD TO HELP OUT IN THE DINING HALL!

**bagel man** : Alois, you will be helping trick or treaters and pumpkin carvers . Some students have food allergies including nuts and shellfish, so make sure not to cross contaminate desserts . they may also try to sneak alcohol in and out, so do stay vigilant . 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Basically make sure no one throws up, gets sick, or dies 

**The PUNisher** : … UNDERSTOOD!

**ham me man** : I could help out with the magic tourney, if you wish.

**bagel man** : Good. Usual practice is no hits below the belt or to the head . Make sure nobody sustains severe injuries . The first to fall over or be knocked out of the ring is the loser . Lysithea and Hubert will probably be competing, and they tend to destroy things . If someone’s head hits the pavement , the match is to be called off immediately . The same goes with drawing blood, breaking arms or legs , or concussions . 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Make sure nobody gets miasma’d really hard and dies.

**ham me man** : ...Alright, I’ll keep that in mind.

**Catwoman** : Me and Shamir are gonna chaperone the dance!

**Hawkeye** : I never agreed to this.

**Catwoman** : come on Shamir it’s just kids, how bad could it be? We could use a chill break too! ;p

**Hawkeye** : If I have to, I’ll do it. 

**bagel man** : The more chaperones the better . Look out for anyone spiking the punch , I am suspicious of Claude and Sylvain in particula r . Make sure nobody leaves their personal drinks unattended. No kissing, no sinful dances . There must be a forearm’s length worth of space between each dancer . Drunkenness will not be tolerated. The dance ends at 11:00pm sharp, and that must be exac t. You will also be present for cleanup . 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : make sure nobody has sex and dies

**Catwoman** : Gotcha!

**Hawkeye** : Affirmative.

**Professor Superstar** : as much as I would like to help out I want to go out and help with the students, I’ve got quite a bit of work to do, so I’ll only be there for a bit… :((( 

**Professor Superstar** : So Sorry! Maybe next time :)

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : are u sure

**Professor Superstar** : Yes

**Professor Superstar is offline.**

**Catwoman** : she just wants to get some free candy and dip I’m guessing?

**ham me man** : Of course she does. 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : uh

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : is anyone else willing to do the haunted house and prank war

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Seteth????

**bagel man is offline.**

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : wha

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : @anonymous milk vader @dad man ????

**dad man** : Sorry, kid, I’d love to help out, but I’m leaving for a mission that week and I won’t be back until next month.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : :(((

**anonymous milk vader** : What needs to be done

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Prank war is making sure nobody dies

**anonymous milk vader** : I would prefer not to

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Haunted house maybe???

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : You stand there and stare at kids, which freaks them out. it’s not that much effort 

**anonymous milk vader** : I will do that one

**anonymous milk vader** : I will be testing their resolve. This will reflect on final grades

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : ok cool make sure no one goes into shock and dies.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : also is anyone doing the prank war?

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : hello

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : well guess I’m just doing that on my own huh.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS:** just watching the kids scare the everliving shhhhhhhhhhhart out of each other. 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : ...I mean I get why no one wants to do it but come on guys

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : guys….

—-

**FodlanExplain began messaging Berniebaby at 1:51pm.**

**FodlanExplain** : Bernadetta, I have been informed of the other prank warriors.

**Berniebaby** : o.oh?

**FodlanExplain** : We are up against the likes of Caspar, Claude, Sylvain, Annette, Mercedes, and Ferdinand.

**Berniebaby** : wwWait CLAUDE IS THERE???!?!?!!!

**FodlanExplain** : Yes. But I have strategies to get advantage on their weaknesses, even claude.

**Berniebaby** : umm

**Berniebaby** : ok uh ...wwhat ideas do you have ...?

**FodlanExplain** : Well…

**FodlanExplain** : Annette is easily frightened by ghosts, so pretending to be a ghost will ensure victory.

**FodlanExplain** : Mercedes is less easily frightened, but i have a feeling she will not be pranking in retaliation.

**Berniebaby** : …..okay……...

**FodlanExplain** : Caspar is easily frightened by lightning, yes? He shall be easily eliminated if we can imitate the sounds of the storm.

**FodlanExplain** : Bernadetta, can you climb into a tree and produce thunder noises?

**Berniebaby** : I tthibk my voice is . Not suited for that...

**FodlanExplain** : That is fine. He will not be easily tricked, which is why when he is distracted with your false thunder noises, I will use a levin sword to defeat him.

**Berniebaby** : Wait youregonna ZAP him????

**FodlanExplain** : No, that would be dishonourable! I will merely “zap” the spot at his feet. He will run away, yelling like a wild goat. Such will be his Defeat.

**Berniebaby** : oh.

**Berniebaby** : well okay, um...That sounds good! !! as long as you’re right there with me!

**FodlanExplain** : Of course! We are to be working together. :)

**FodlanExplain** : Once Caspar is defeated, we will advance on Ferdinand. He is not easily frightened, but he tends not to watch the placing of his feet. 

**FodlanExplain** : Are you good at constructing pitfalls?

**Berniebaby** : I have not cconstructed a pit fall in my life.

**FodlanExplain** : That is fine, You will be the bait.

**Berniebaby** : WHAT???!

**FodlanExplain** : You will stand in front of the trap. Ferdinand will charge like a bull at you, but will fall into the trap, rendering him unable to attack. 

**Berniebaby** : but what if he DOES catch me?!

**FodlanExplain** : I will make sure that does not happen. We will have a second trap that snags him by the ankle if he steps into it, having more security. 

**Berniebaby** : oh thats gooder 

**Berniebaby** : i mean it’s better ?

**FodlanExplain** : have no fear, Bernadetta. Ferdinand is like a bull. He will be easily predictable when moving.

**FodlanExplain** : I have a feeling it will be the same with Sylvain. He, too, is very obvious.

**FodlanExplain** : Simply strike up a conversation with him. Perhaps pretend to be scared and lure him into a trap. Easily done.

**Berniebaby** : aare you sureit should be mme though???? 

**Berniebaby** : immnot that pretty...he might lose interest …

**FodlanExplain** : do not be saying such things, Bernadetta. I think you are very beautiful, like the gentle eyes of the rabbit. :)

**FodlanExplain** : Plus, you have a very unassuming aura. He will naturally let his guard down around you. 

**Berniebaby** : o.oh!!

**Berniebaby** : tthank you ;;;; ahh///….??? I think??? 

**Berniebaby** : butwhat about Claude, though? 

**FodlanExplain** : I share your concern, He will be more difficult to defeat. I have a feeling we should eliminate him very soon after Caspar and Ferdinand. 

**FodlanExplain** : He is easily startled when he lets his guard down, which is not much. 

**FodlanExplain** : But i have seen it before! He laid down to take a nap, and did not notice me in the trees. He jumped like a frog when I approached him. 

**Berniebaby** : laid down…?

**Berniebaby** : somewhere comfy…..the trees…

**Berniebaby** : oh!!!!!! The trees!!!!

**FodlanExplain** : are you knowing of something I do not?

**Berniebaby** : um………...

**Berniebaby** : when I was a kid, back at my house,, um

**Berniebaby** : well uh,,, I didnt like parties or dinners and stuff but the dining halls and ballrooms were reallly hhgihg up,

**Berniebaby** : bbut there were these really big trees! And they reached that floor,,,But they were too far away….

**Berniebaby** : I did this thing,, where before every party i would hide my bow and some rope in the bathroom,,,, and when i wanted to leave…

**Berniebaby** : Id tie one end of the rope to an arrow and the other end to the sink and I would shoot the trees across the window.,

**Berniebaby** : Then i would take my bow and use it to zip across the rope! And Id run back to my room and nobody would see…

**Berniebaby** : aaahhh Ssssorrrry that was a reallt werid explaination UMMM let me jsut,,, draw it out fro you sorry

**Berniebaby sent ** [ **mydrawing.jpg** ](https://i.postimg.cc/0NQR8bXG/mydrawing.jpg)

**FodlanExplain** : Bernadetta, you are being a genius!

**FodlanExplain** : And thank you for the drawings, this gives me great interest.

**FodlanExplain** : what age were you when you made that idea?

**Berniebaby** : ummm...figured it out when i was… ten??? Twelve????

**FodlanExplain** : that is very impressive. I would not have thought of such plans at your age…

**Berniebaby** : ahhhww man…. Its really nothin special… im sure you were probabyl smarter….\\\\\

**FodlanExplain** : Do not be putting yourself down, Bernadetta, this idea could easily help us defeat claude in pranks.

**Berniebaby** : wait really????

**FodlanExplain** : yes!!! We can use it to engage surprise attacks, or fast transportation of things. 

**FodlanExplain** : he does not like to look above, so we can use that to our advantage. 

**FodlanExplain** : We could put a bucket of water on the rope and send it across the hall way window when he is not expecting it! 

**Berniebaby** : oh!!! Thast a great idea petra!!!

**FodlanExplain sent ** [ **window.jpg** ](https://i.postimg.cc/zvWSKFvC/window.jpg) **.**

**FodlanExplain** : The reception hall has a very high roof. we shall send two buckets across the rope, and when they collide, they will create a splash of water in the middle.

**Berniebaby** : Maybe we should do something to make surre he doens tlook up…. 

**Berniebaby** : like a,, fake distracting trap on the groundf to trick him out???

**FodlanExplain** : Ah, Brilliant idea! We shall surely win the war of pranks, since we are working so well together. 

**Berniebaby** : hey mmaybe you’re right!!

**Berniebaby** : ii was kind of worried before but… i thibnk we miught really have a chancw here!!! 

**Berniebaby** : i think we can actually WIN this thing, petra!!!!!

**Berniebaby** : lets

**Berniebaby** : LETS KICK THEIR ASSES!!!!!!!! >:DDDDDDDD

**FodlanExplain** : ...Hm? :o

**Berniebaby** : 

**FodlanExplain** : is kicking of another’s mule a common practice in foldan? :o

**Berniebaby** :

**Berniebaby** : 

**Berniebaby is offline.**

**FodlanExplain** : Bernadetta?

**FodlanExplain** : Bernadetta? 

**FodlanExplain** : ...Bernie?

**FodlanExplain** : Are you sleeping?

**FodlanExplain** : ??? It is fine if you are, I am messaging you later, when you are available.

**FodlanExplain** : Please be having sweet dreams in the mean time! :D

**FodlanExplain is offline.**

\---

**WYRM’S HALLOW - 3:33pm**

**WeSchemin** : ok everyone let’s sing revenge I’ll start

**WeSchemin** : CREEPER

**fettuccine** : Wait what are we doing 

**VibeCheck** : AAAW MAN

**Bigmeatyclaws** : AW MAN!!

**Bobrosschiapet** : Aw man!

**Angery Miasma Demon** : Aw, man

**footsucker** : Aw Man

**angel** : aw man

**horny** : AW MAB

**horny** : MAN

**fettuccine** : Aw man!

**horny** : YEAAAAH DIMITRIIIII!!!!

**WeSchemin** : HOLY SHIT????

**WeSchemin** : SO WE BACK IN THE MINE

**shortking** : GOT OUR PCUKAXE SWINGING FROM

**VibeCheck** : SIDE TO SIDE

**horny** : SIDE SIDE TO SIDE

**footsucker** : isn’t there just one side?

**horny** : NO THERES TWO

**TheLadyFlame** : what on earth is going on here exactly? 

**horny** : lorenz I know for a fact that there are two sides and you can fight me on this

**WeSchemin** : LETS START OVER….

**WeSchemin** : CREEPER

**lesbiab** : every time we touch I get this feeling 

**cinnamon roll** : AAAAWWWW MAN!

**FodlanExplain** : Aw man!

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : Takeeee on meeee!!! (take on me)

**HaveMercie** : so we back in the mine~

**Bobrosschiapet** : got our pickaxe swinging from

**VibeCheck** : side to side side side to side

**lesbiab** : and every time we kiss I swear I could fly 

**Angery Miasma Demon** : the black eagles are ruining it Claude 

**shortking** : Hey I’m not!!! And neither is Petra

**shortking** : we love fun 

**WeSchemin** : OH MY GOD we’re doing this again 

**WeSchemin** : who wants to do the honours?

**shortking** : CREEPER

**horny** : CREEPER

**WeSchemin** : AW MAN

**VibeCheck** : CREEPER

**Bobrosschiapet** : Aw man!

**FodlanExplain** : Aw man! :)

**cinnamon roll** : Aw man!!!!!

**croissant** : Aw man!!!

**ubertdriver** : Creeper!

**HaveMercie** : Aw man!

**WeSchemin** : GUYS ONLY ONE PERSON NEEDS TO SAY AW MAN 

**HaveMercie** : so we back in the mine

**lesbiab** : All the single ladies (all the single ladies) all the single ladies (all the single ladies) so put yo hands UP 

**WeSchemin** : DOROTHEA

**VibeCheck** : up in the club (club)

**horny** : just broke up (up)

**lesbiab** : doin my own little thing~

**WeSchemin** : FINE

**WeSchemin** : u decided to dip (dip)

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : now you wanna trip (trip)

**footsucker** : Roses are Red.

**footsucker** : Violets are Blue.

**Bigmeatyclaws** : garlic bread!

**swordgay** : fuck you too.

**WeSchemin** : WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Hi all, just a reminder th

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Wait is going on here?

**TheLadyFlame** : We were singing songs, apparently.

**TheLadyFlame** : Everybody stop singing, an adult’s in the room.

**WeSchemin** : hey Wait is that you Teach ??

**WeSchemin** : Teach why is that your username 

**fettuccine** : Who is Professor Big Ass?

**fettuccine** : *BASS

**fettuccine** : *BASS

**fettuccine** : *BASS !!!!!!!!

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : It’s Prof. Eisner.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : I just wanted to remind you all that you may want to get Wyrm’s Hallow costume making done soon, because it’s coming up in a couple of weeks and it’ll get a little busy as fall midterms come up.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : However, I see that you are all rather occupied, so I will take my leave.

**WeSchemin** : uh 

**WeSchemin** : ok sure prof big bass? good to see you too I guess 

**TheLadyFlame** : I believe the other professors have gotten strange nicknames as well. 

**TheLadyFlame** : It’s quite amusing. Some of them are rather predictable, yet I still have no clue who “bagel man” is. 

**fettuccine** : I also have seen “bagel man” correspond to me , I believe he could be Alois?

**Bigmeatyclaws** : oh I know who that is! I texted him expecting a fellow Bagel Enthusiast, but turns out it was just Seteth. and he got mad at me for texting in class. :(

**TheLadyFlame** : Huh. 

**TheLadyFlame** : Well...I wasn’t expecting that.

**HaveMercie** : Oh! Hi everyone!

**HaveMercie** : Hello, professor!

**PROFESSOR BIG BAS** S: Hi Mercedes

**HaveMercie** : So Sorry to bother, does anyone have some spare white thread? 

**HaveMercie** : I’m making some costumes for me and Annie, and the professor’s text just reminded me I needed some. ^o^

**VibeCheck** : Mercie, you’re in luck!! I have some spare thread. Do u wanna come over to pick it up?

**HaveMercie** : Thank you hilda! Will do! ^u^

**fettuccine** : what will you be dressing up as , Mercedes ?

**HaveMercie** : Oh, we’re gonna be a pair of angels!

**WeSchemin** : dang mercie Annette and Marianne both fighting for the spot of worlds sweetest angel

**angel** : oh…um... it’s not a competition…

**angel** : I think Mercedes and Annette are nicer than me anyways 

**HaveMercie** : Awww Marianne don’t say that! You’re the sweetest girl in the whole church! 

**cinnamon roll** : yeah Marianne don’t put yourself down! You’re really cool! :o

**VibeCheck** : she IS!!! you DO understand

**angel** : oh! thank you ////...

**VibeCheck** : also that said, what will you be dressing as, Marianne?

**angel** : I’m not sure yet...would you want to match costumes maybe?

**VibeCheck** : BOY WOULD I !! Let’s go shopping later! We can pick something out from the market!

**angel** : o-ok! 

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : Has anyone else picked out their outfits? I simply can’t decide if I should go as the headless horseman, or if I should go as a vampire.

**Slytherin** : Go as the headless horseman. Your head is already halfway unscrewed from your neck.

**horny** : B R U H

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : wow. How long did it take you to come up with that oneliner?

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : I mean you don’t even look like a person, so feel free to be the vampire in my place!

**horny** : WOOOAUUSUWUWHKDJDKJLSD???? YAAAAALLLL CHILL

**shortking** : FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

**lesbiab** : CAT FIGHT CAT FIGHT CAT FIGHT

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : That’s enough. I’m right here you know.

**TheLadyFlame** : ...Anyways.

**TheLadyFlame** : Baby brother? 

**fettuccine** : I am only a few months younger than you . I am not a baby .

**HaveMercie** : he is kind of a baby!

**fettuccine** : >:c

**TheLadyFlame** : don’t pout at your big sisters, Dimitri. Anyways.

**TheLadyFlame** : What are you going to wear this Wyrm’s Hallow?

**fettuccine** : . . . Not a dress this time .

**horny** : ok but...like what do u mean by not a dress dimitri? Spill the fuckin beeeans already!

**WeSchemin** : lol Edelgard u hurt his feewings now he won’t tell us about his costume 

**swordgay** : just tell us what it is. 

**fettuccine** : fine ...

**fettuccine** : Ingrid helped me purchase this costume from the market . I think it looks okay

**fettuccine sent costume.jpg.**

**TheLadyFlame** : Oh, a wolf?

**fettuccine** : yes 

**TheLadyFlame** : It’s not terrible.

**horny** : DUDE THATS ADORABLE

**swordgay** : a dog is a good fit

**horny** : DONT BE MEAN YOU GUYS HES DOING HIS BEST

**HaveMercie** : Oh! Ingrid, I didn’t know you had such good taste in Wyrm’s hallow costumes.

**chinken nunget** : I actually don’t.

**chinken nunget** : but if he didn’t pick that, he would have gone for either the “Swiss cheese man” full body costume or the “drunken pirate with eyepatch/ peg leg included” costume, both of which were ...objectively terrible. 

**chinken nunget** : so we went for the wolf ears and tail. Just those two. 

**HaveMercie** : It’s cute! Dimitri, if you pair that with a nice shirt, maybe some black pants and suspenders, you’ll be the most adorable wolf pup! <3

**fettuccine** : the other costumes were not that bad , though

**swordgay** : I believe Ingrid here, Dimitri your clothing taste is actual dogshit

**fettuccine** : I feel like they would have been a little scarier, to fit the traditions of Wyrm’s hallow

**swordgay** : yeah, scarily bad 

**WeSchemin** : lols @ Felix but like..

**WeSchemin** : Dimi can we see like…. pics of u in it tho? 

**fettuccine** : Hm ? It’s not Wyrm’s hallow yet ? There’s no reason to dress up now

**WeSchemin** : Forget I said anything, it’s Freudian 

**fettuccine** : Freudian? What is that

**VibeCheck** : ...

**lesbiab** : damn Dimitri you’re popular! I’m almost a little jealous. 

**TheLadyFlame** : Personally, Dorothea, I think you look fantastic in your costume.

**TheLadyFlame** : ...and it’s much better looking than baby brother’s.

**chinken nunget** : say, what are you guys dressing up as, anyways?

**lesbiab** : Oh, me and edelgard are matching. We decided to go as the phantom of the opera and Christine ;p

**fettuccine** : I thought you were going as Prince Charming and Cinderella ?

**lesbiab** : we switched it up! Edie wants to wear a mask. She thinks it looks cool, and I thought that was adorable.

**TheLadyFlame** : Dorothea …

**lesbiab** : <3 hehe

**lesbiab** : Oh @Berniebaby! Do you have your costume ready yet?

**Berniebaby** : m-me???! Um

**Berniebaby** : Uh hold on ummmmm

**Berniebaby sent hedgehog.jpg.**

**Berniebaby** : it’s a hedgehog… I think they’re rly cute so I’m making a costume…

**lesbiab** : oooh it’s coming along so well! Looks good Bernie!

**VibeCheck** : wooooow, nice cape! Did you sew all those quills in yourself?

**Berniebaby** : yyes

**cinnamon roll** : woaaahhh! That looks so cool! I wish I could sew like that :o

**Berniebaby** : thank you!!1 aaaa 

**Berniebaby** :has anyone else decided on costumes?

**TheLadyFlame** : the rest of the black eagles, lightning round. I know you’ve already decided.

**shortking** : zombie! And Linhardt is gonna be the mad scientist. 

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR:** Truly? If you ask me, Linhardt is more like a zombie. 

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : He always walks so sluggish and groans like a corpse!

**schleepy** : and you’re implying that Caspar should be the mad scientist instead? 

**I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : Well.,,, He fits the “mad” part, that’s undeniable.

**shortking** : GEEZ GUYS I’M RIGHT HERE

**FodlanExplain** : I will be dressing as the fox. It is tricky and clever, and I feel as if it will be fitting for this event.

**horny** : Not a black eagle, but I’m gonna be a magician this year. 

**swordgay** : but you suck at magic.

**horny** : (actually, the professor assigned me a whole bunch of reason study materials so uhhh checkmate, buddy)

**horny** : ...and by magician I mean the “pick a card” kind of magician? You know? Top hat? Cute bow tie? Stunningly handsome ? 

**horny** : ;p

**chinken nunget:** I’m not looking forward to it.

**horny** : :c

**chinken nunget** : I’m dressing as a, uh, horse? Horse girl? Unicorn with wings?

**chinken nunget** : Mercedes chose it for me. Felix, I know you’re scoffing at me from all the way across the monastery. 

**HaveMercie** : Oh! Felix, are you dressing as anything for Wyrm’s Hallow?

**swordgay** : I’m not participating.

**HaveMercie** : Oh? That’s a shame, why is that? 

**swordgay** : I hate sweets, I don’t do Wyrm’s hallow anymore, and I don’t like dances. Why should I when the mission preparations are due next week

**horny** : What?! Felix this could be your last Wyrm’s hallow ever! Come on man ://

**chinken nunget** : I have to agree with him, don’t you want to spend some time with us all? You never get out.

**swordgay** : I’ve already decided on it and I’m not participating 

**horny** : fine. Well if We can’t convince you otherwise 

**horny** : then……. fine…… but I’ll be so boooooored

**swordgay** : go bother all those girls in costumes, not me

**horny** : ……...well if you INSIST…….../eyes emoji…./

**chinken nunget** : don’t encourage him Felix wtf

**fettuccine** : Ashe, what will you be dressed up as?

**ubertdriver** : oh, me? I’m going as a scarecrow! I hope nobody minds if I took some straw out from the stables.

**ubertdriver** : Dedue, are you dressing up?

**Dedude** : I’m afraid I’m not sure what to dress up as.

**ubertdriver** : oh, I can help you pick out a costume ! Let’s go shopping after class. 

**VibeCheck** : maybe you’ll see me and mari out on the prowl too! Lol

**ubertdriver** : oh, has anyone else gone shopping yet?

**Bobrosschiapet** : me and Raphael already got our costumes. 

**Bobrosschiapet** : I’m going as a mummy. I’ll wrap myself in toilet paper, mostly because it’s cheaper.

**WeSchemin** : ignatz dont put urself down like that ur worth more than toilet paper costume

**Bobrosschiapet** : Oh it’s okay! I’ll need something easy to prep that day, because I’m gonna help Raphael dye his hair green.

**horny** : …..why tho???

**Bigmeatyclaws** : I’m a salad! 

**horny** : oh

**horny** : well, suit yourself, ya big funky dude

**Bigmeatyclaws** : thanks! SUIT yourself too! Get it, suit? Cards?? magician????

**Bigmeatyclaws** : :D?

**horny** : yes I do. Thank you. I think

**fettuccine** : L O L! Hahaha.

**horny** :???? 

**fettuccine** : i thought the joke was funny

**horny** : oh right I forgot you didnt know how to express laughter over text

**VibeCheck** : just keysmash like the rest of us, Dimitri. You know,. 

**lesbiab** : FJKDJKSDSJKF

**VibeCheck** : SKSKSKSKSKSLSKSKSKSKSLK

**WeSchemin** : kfmdmfscmsdnkjvjfvksdmn;kfdjkvsnb

**horny** : jbcxiudsicxnajksmxalsmcxds,cx/Ds.v?G.nHJ”/m,KL,./”L.

**fettuccine** : are those acronyms of some sort ?

**Dedude** : I believe they are random sequences of letters, numbers, and symbols. 

**fettuccine** : oh. Like

**fettuccine** : qwertyuiop1234567890

**horny** :

**WeSchemin** :

**VibeCheck** : uh 

**horny** : yeah! Yeah hes gettin the hang of it. Yeah

**WeSchemin** : that looks like my instagram passwords but aye lmao

**WeSchemin** : ,, thats not my ig password btw but yes youre getting the hang of it

**WeSchemin** : anyways. I’m dressing up as a pirate. The sexy kind. lysithea’s going as a witch, leonie’s going as jeralt’s horse, Lorenz is gonna be like, LITERALLY count gloucester the first 

**fettuccine** : how come he can be a pirate but not me ?

**VibeCheck** : hes sexy and ur not bb. sorry

**shortking** : waait wait wait….like a vampire count gloucster or?????

**footsucker** : Just my ancestor, Count Gloucester.

**shortking** : k cuz if you ask me being count gloucestula or some shit would be sick as hell

**WeSchemin** : yo wait actually

**WeSchemin renamed footsucker to count gloucestula.**

**count gloucestula** : i am not going as a vampire!! 

**lesbiab** : said the vampire

**count gloucestula: ** Miss Dorothea.

**lesbiab** : lol cry about it

**lesbiab** : Professor Eisner, will you be dressing up?

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Yes. 

**TheLadyFlame** : pray tell, professor, what exactly will you be dressed as?

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Fish.

**TheLadyFlame** : ...Ah.

**WeSchemin** : i expected nothing less from our beloved professor

**TheLadyFlame** : ...Flayn?

**croissant** : I will be adorning the garb of saint cethleann!

**TheLadyFlame** : oh? A saint?

**croissant** : Precisely. I am aware that it may seem like sacrilege, but fear not, friends, i have a permit!

**croissant** : Which is that I do what I want. 

**TheLadyFlame** : Very impressive. I like your spirit.

**lesbiab** : i respect nobody in this chat except for flayn we stan YOU

**croissant** : Thank you!!!! :o

**croissant** : Oh! Professor, there’s something else you forgot to mention!

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Ah, right. 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** **sent a live video link.**

_ Byleth: Hold on...ah...okay, looks good. _

_ Byleth: Hi, all. As you can see, live feeds and video transcription features are now available for use on all student and faculty devices. _

_ Byleth: I hope these new features aid you in reconnaissance missions, as well as everyday communication. Thank you. _

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS’s live video has ended.**

**shortking** : UHHHH HEY WHAT THE FUCK 

**horny** : YOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

**TheLadyFlame** : My teacher, thank you truly for adding these features! Please accept my utmost appreciation and thanks for your concern.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Ok, now, these additions will come in a new update later tonight, so don’t forget to update your devices.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some more of your assignments to grade. Good night, and sleep well.

**TheLadyFlame** : Goodnight, my teacher.

**fettuccine** : As to you , professor

**WeSchemin** : night teach

**WeSchemin** :

**WeSchemin** : theyre going fishing arent they,

**croissant** : yes! They are.

**WeSchemin** : knew it gfdi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Halloween - cough - Wyrm's Hallow chapter comes out next. Warning: it's probably gonna be long. 
> 
> I'm gonna clean up some of the tags for the fic as well, since some characters are getting more time in the spotlight right now. 
> 
> Thanks so much for your continued support! :D


	7. The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Wyrm's Hallow Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The students and staff of Garreg Mach celebrate Wyrm's Hallow. Some people get hurt, but otherwise, it's a pretty fun time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go listen to https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLndwCuK9tgWbiA6C4HClEsHtaPKN21I73 
> 
> The "official" Wyrm's Hallow Playlist
> 
> Happy Halloween fellas

**WYRM’S HALLOW - 8:02am**

**Dedude** : Has anyone picked up the pumpkins from the greenhouse yet?

**cinnamonroll** : Hi dedue!!! i picked a bunch up! 

**Dedude** : How many?

**cinnamonroll** : ummm let me count

**cinnamonroll** : like….. Fifty, tops?

**Dedude** : Fifty? That’s everything we planted.

**Dedude** : Did you harvest all those pumpkins by yourself?

**cinnamonroll** : yes! I had to carry them one by one since like..one o clock last night but thats okay i got a good cardio workout.

**cinnamonroll** : i think ym axe prowess went up too!

**Dedude** : ...I could have helped out, if you wanted.

**cinnamonroll** : aw thanks for the offer but im good! I needed the weightlifgitn practice anyways ;o

**cinnamonroll** : now let’s get making those pies!!!!!!

**Dedude** : Is Mercedes there?

**cinnamonroll** : She’s gonna be a little late this morning. She forgot to put on her costume so she’s putting it on right now.

**Dedude** : You both realize you don’t have to wear costumes yet, right? They’ll get dirty. We should wait until the party.

**cinnamonroll** : I think some people are wearing their costumes early, so its ok

**cinnamonroll sent sylvain_stole_cinnamon_powder_while_looking_like_a_cartoon_bank_theif.jpg**

**horny** : im not a cartoon bank thief im a sexy magician!!! 

**horny** : how do black glitter booty shorts w “magical” plastered across the ass even remotely say “cartoon bank thief”??? Yall blind 

**Dedude** : Oh.

**Dedude** : Tell Sylvain we need the cinnamon powder back, or else the pies won’t taste as good.

**cinnamonroll** : its just something he does :/ nothing we can do about it until he gets back

**swordgay** : is that why i found sylvain coughing in a cloud of dust inside my closet

**Dedude** : Did he... try to eat the cinnamon powder?

**horny** : ...maybe

**horny** : uhhhhh felix is coming to give the powder back. i couldnt stop him

**Dedude** : Ah. 

**Dedude** : So with what we’ve gathered, we should be able to make thirty pies, five or so batches of cake pops, and three cupcakes.

**cinnamonroll** : only three cupcakes?

**Dedude** : Three dozen. Sorry, I made a mistake.

**horny** : Dedue, nothing you do is a mistake. You’re perfect.

**Dedude** : Thank you…?

**ubertdriver** : Wait!!! We need to spare some pumpkins for carving!!!

**Dedude** : Should we cut it down to twenty pies, then?

**ubertdriver** : Fifteen at most! There’s no need to have that many pies, it’s generally just one or two slices a person.

**ubertdriver** : Who could eat that many pies, anyways????

**schleepy** : @shortking /eyes emoji/

**shortking** : the fuck does that mean?????

**Bobrosschiapet** : @Bigmeatyclaws haha you could do this!

**Bigmeatyclaws** : yo what if we had a pie eating contest???

**cinnamonroll** : we would all lose to you, raphael, it wouldnt be fair!

**horny** : idk he might have some competiton from ingrid /eyes emojiiiii/

**chinken nunget** : shut the fuck up 

**Dedude** : alright, so...we will have fifteen pies, three cupcake trays, three cake pop trays, and some leftovers.

**ubertdriver** : We could make roasted pumpkin seeds! 

**Dedude** : Would you mind if I made some truffles with the remaining ingredients? 

**Angery Miasma Demon** : Please do. And save some for me.

**ubertdriver** : absolutely !! go right on ahead!

**Dedude** : Thank you, I will do my best.

__

**WYRM’S HALLOW - 12:10 pm**

**TheLadyFlame** : How are the pr eparations going?

**cinnamonroll** : first round of cake pops got totally ruined…on the bright side, mercie’s cupcakes turned out great! We’re baking the second batch right now. 

**Dedude** : Ashe, please return to the kitchen, we still need to roast the pumpkin seeds. 

**ubertdriver** : is it okay if I finish carving this pumpkin out first???

**Dedude** : You have already carved three, I think you should take a break.

**HaveMercie** : actually, it’s fine! The oven seems to be quite full of rotisserie chickens, so roasting can wait for later.

**ubertdriver** : wait

**ubertdriver** : rotisserie chickens?

**HaveMercie** : yes! About…

**HaveMercie** : twenty eight of them.

**Dedude** : why are there twenty eight rotisserie chickens in the oven? Can it even fit that many chickens at once?

**HaveMercie** : I don’t really know, I just looked away from the oven for a second, and the next thing I knew, there were twenty eight whole rotisserie chickens inside!

**ubertdriver** : look, I’ll just roast the seeds some other way — uh, also, is there something leaking from the coldroom?

**cinnamonroll** : NOOO!!! MY POPS!!!

**Dedude** : Ashe, we urgently need you in the kitchen, I believe something dire has occurrd 

**Dedude is offline.**

**ubertdriver** : Dedue?!?!?

**ubertdriver is offline.**

**TheLadyFlame** :

**TheLadyFlame** : Erm, well… I’ll leave you to it?

___

**WYRM’S HALLOW - 5:34pm**

**shortking** : are the treats ready yet?!?!?!!?

**ubertdriver** : I was hoping we’d get about thirty minutes longer but… it’s almost six o clock so I guess it’s ok if we start eating now!

**shortking** : YEAAAWOEOEOEAOEEOOEWOWOWOWOWOWOO

**shortking is offline.**

**schleepy** : @shorking save a spot for me 

**Bigmeatyclaws** : oh dang I gotta get there fast!! Caspar I got dibs on the truffles!!

**Angery Miasma Demon** : excuse me  _ I _ had dibs on the truffles 

**Bigmeatyclaws** : if you have dibs then I got shotgun!

**Bobrosschiapet** : don’t eat all the food now Raph! Haha

**lesbiab** : @berniebaby do you wanna grab some early treats? You can take some to go!

**HaveMercie** : yes! Dedue was kind enough to prepare us treat bags so we could take home the truffles. 

**Berniebaby** : oh ??? Really?? Umm I’ll go if you’re going @lesbiab!!!

**lesbiab** : Ok hon!! I’ll meet you there

**Berniebaby** : okaay !!

**WeSchemin** : yo r we just all gonna flood the kitchen right now?? Cool

**WeSchemin** : hey @ blue lions and golden deer you are all cordially invited to this cavity-boring self-indulgent festival of pure delicous fucking yummy

**WeSchemin** : courtesy of our lovely Dedue Mercedes Annie and Ashe

**horny** : Dont miiiind if I do!

**horny** : oh btw folks I think I’ll be muting the chat for tonight I got a looootta dates and I don’t want them thinking I’ve got other priorities

**chinken nunget** : disappointed but not surprised. 

**swordgay** : go beat yourself up

**ubertdriver** : ...do you mean “knock yourself out?”

**swordgay** : yeah break your kneecaps or whatever 

**fettuccine** : please don ‘ t get in any trouble Sylvain 

**horny** : I won’t, I won’t. And yes, I will break all my bones 4 u feelix 

**horny** : <333 

**horny is idle.**

**chinken nunget** : insufferable. I thought we were gonna get to spend Wyrm’s hallow together, that’s the only reason why I agreed to this

**chinken nunget** : I was hoping we’d all get some time together again

**fettuccine** : I think I will be there for a little bit

**WeSchemin** : only a little bit???come on Dimitri spend some more time for yourself! Just take a day off

**WeSchemin** : I didn’t spend the last month just arranging this for a Bit, u know

**fettuccine** : ok ok . . . I will see what happens . There is no need to be upset 

**shortking** : TRICK OR TREAT

**Bigmeatyclaws** : TRICK OR TREAT

**shortking** : TRICK OR TREAT

**Bigmeatyclaws** : TRICK OR TREAT

**fettuccine** : you do not say it In the chat only at people who are giving out candy

**Dedude** : please do not yell at me when asking for the candy. I will give it to you in a moment. Please. Be patient.

**shortking** : @dedude TRICK OR TREAT softly

**Bigmeatyclaws** : @dedude @HaveMercie @cinnamonroll @ubertdriver TRICK OR TREAT!!

**Bigmeatyclaws** : @PROFESSOR BIG BASS professor!!! do you have any treats? 

**shortking** : TRICK OR TREAT TRICK OR T

**shortking** : 

**shortking** : hollup

**shortking sent what.jpg**

**shortking** : who just gave linhardt a whole ass rotisserie chicken

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : just gave linhardt the first rotisserie chicken of the night hope you enjoy 

**ubertdriver** : Professor were those your chickens in the oven?

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Yes

**ubertdriver** : Ah,

**ubertdriver** : that explains both everything, and nothing at all. Thank you, professor 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS:** Any Time

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : would anyone like some ckickenns. 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS: ** pleas e

**WeSchemin** : TEACH MADE THEM JUST FOR YOU GUYS BE GRATEFUL >:(

**Bigmeatyclaws** : I want some! I want some!!!

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : thank you 

**Angery Miasma Demon sent thankyoudedue.jpg**

**Angery Miasma Demon** : GOOD SEIROS these chocolates are so good Dedue you’re the only person I respect hsre

**shortking** : dude wtf you took so many chocolates

**Angery Miasma Demon** : shut up Caspar I did your h*mework I deserve all the chocolates I want 

**schleepy** : why did you censor that?

**Angery Miasma Demon** : shut up professor looks at the chat

**schleepy** : oh ok

**schleepy** : professor can you read this? It’s a question for homework who is Ch*ck** nugg*t*

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : I’m afraid I dont know who C.H C.K NUGG T is, try asking hanneman? He’s more versed in literary studies

**schleepy** : ???

**shortking** : holy shit

**TheLadyFlame** : Professor, he just said chicken nuggets…

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : My apologies, I still don’t know who Chicken Nuggets is

**fettuccine** : Neither do I . Are they foreign ?

**schleepy** : huh???what???what in the hell??? Huh????

**Angery Miasma Demon** : See what I mean? Now stop snitching and let me eat my candy

**TheLadyFlame** : Dimitri, you can't be serious. Is that an honest question? Linhardt is talking about the food. It was a joke.

**fettuccine** : oh . I am not very good with those types of jokes 

**WeSchemin** : WOW el throwing your d*mb brother under the rug

**WeSchemin** : tell us some Wyrm’s hallow stories about Edelgard, Dimi

**fettuccine** : oh Wyrm ‘ s hallow stories ! When we were trick or treating once she demanded everyone give her their ketchup chips 

**TheLadyFlame** : I hate ketchup chips.

**WeSchemin** : so why’d you ask ???

**fettuccine** : so she could have Hubert set them on fire.

**WeSchemin** : OH?

**TheLadyFlame** : They are by far one of the worst foods in Fodlan.

**TheLadyFlame** : asides from whole canned turkeys, of course. And canned spam. Actually, faerghus food is horrible. 

**WeSchemin** : why is so much of your shit canned

**fettuccine** : We lack the ability to grow abundant crops so we tend to stock on preservable foods

**TheLadyFlame** : Yes, and everything is either salted frozen or canned. 

**WeSchemin** : I feel like I’ve learned a lot just from this conversation thank you

**fettuccine** : Oh and el would also make me give her any candies I did not like

**fettuccine** : and the ones I did like, actually 

**WeSchemin** : you stole his candy, el??? You stole candy from a baby??

**TheLadyFlame** : what, like he could eat all of it? Besides a lot of that candy was garbage. 

**fettuccine** : anyways we would end the night with many exploding chip bags . It was quite fun to watch them explode so I have no ill grievances towards her for that in particular 

**fettuccine** : but I would have liked to at least try the ketchup chips

**TheLadyFlame** : No. you wouldn’t have. 

**WeSchemin** : well good for you and bad for Edelgard because...we ordered a bunch of those in bulk for trick or treating lol

**TheLadyFlame** : Ugh. Gross, who recommended those?

**WeSchemin** : hey Dimitri. Carve pumpkins and eat chips with me. I want to make a baking soda and vinegar pumpkin and make all the stuff come out of its eyes. it’s gonna be sick

**fettuccine** : pumpkin carving ? Hm I suppose it wouldn ‘ t hurt 

**fettuccine** : will be there soon

**fettuccine is idle.**

**WeSchemin** : hell yeah punmpkin time……

**Bigmeatyclaws** : yo guys check out ignatz’s pumpkin! 

**Bigmeatyclaws sent minimeandme.jpg**

**MiniBladeBreaker** : wow, holy shit it’s pumpkin Raphael 

**count gloucestula** : Goodness, I can hardly tell the difference.

**Angery Miasma Demon:** r u stupid? One’s a pumpkin and one is Raphael 

**count gloucestula** : I mean that as a joke, because one of those is a pumpkin with no visible body, and Raphael has a body.

**Angery Miasma Demon** : I know dummy I just wanted to fuck w you

**VibeCheck sent selfie.jpg**

**VibeCheck** : me and Marianne out with the witchy vibes!!!!! We’re matching witch babes <3

**VibeCheck** : if I was a witch I wouldn’t ride a shitty broomstick I would ride a beautiful black Pegasus and soar into the night it would be very sexy I think

**angel** : the jack o lanterns are very beautiful.

**VibeCheck** : yah it’s such a good selfie spot @ubertdriver you outdid yourself baby

**ubertdriver** : oh there’s more jack o lanterns coming guys, other people are carving more rn

**lesbiab** : ok nobody make anything ugly I want photos with everybody’s lanterns

**WeSchemin** : uhh too late lol

**shortking** : my pumpkin isn’t that bad Claude stfu

**schleepy** : to be fair it does look like Seteth with giant eyes and no mouth 

**shortking** : ITS NOT SETETH I WAS TRYING TO MAKE THE PROFESOR !!! 

**croissant** : I have seen it in person and I can attest to that! :) it does look like my brother, but..orange! 

**lesbiab** : .okay cool, Just don’t put your lantern at eye level caspie thx

**shortking** : DOROTHEA,,,,

** _WeSchemin sent a video._ **

_ Claude: Yo, Dimitri, is it recording? _

_ Dimitri: Um, let me check… _

_ *Dimitri turns the phone around to face him, and then back at Claude.* _

_ Dimitri: I think so. _

_ Claude: Oh, Okay! Okay, everyone, check this out. _

_ *Claude pours a mixture of liquid into a jack-o-lantern.* _

_ Claude: Woah! Hell yeah! Check that out!  _

_ Claude: It looks like it’s barfing. *laughter* _

_ Dimitri: *laughter* That looks disgusting, Claude.  _

_ Claude: Show them your lantern too!  _

_ *Dimitri quickly points the camera to a small white pumpkin. It has a very simple face, two triangular eyes and a large smiling mouth. It a part looks as if it’s been crushed in and put back together with toothpicks.* _

_ Dimitri: It’s really not that much. _

_ Claude: Aw, don’t say that. It’s kinda charming. _

_ Claude: Ok, that’s all, I wanted to show you guys. Cut the video, Dimitri. _

_ Dimitri: Ah, wait, let me—*unintelligible* _

_ *the video ends with a violent shake of the screen.* _

**lesbiab** : ew

**WeSchemin** : don’t you like my pumpkin ?? :c

**lesbiab** : no it’s gross! Lol that’s what I meant by no ugly pumpkins babe! 

**WeSchemin** : IM SAD NOW?

**fettuccine** : is mine okay?

**lesbiab** : your pumpkin Dimitri is fantastic and I supoort it.

**WeSchemin** : I just don’t have rights! 

—

**garreg mach staff pond - 6:27pm**

**bagel man:** Alois, how is the trick-or-treating going?

**The PUNisher** : ALL IS WELL! PUMPKINS ARE BEING GOUGED, 

**The PUNisher** : CANDY IS BEING EATEN,

**The PUNisher** : ROTISSERIE CHICKENS ARE BEING DEVOURED,

**The PUNisher** : THERE ARE PIES,

**bagel man** : Is anyone dead or injured ?

**The PUNisher** : I AM VERY HAPPY TO REPORT THE FOLLOWING. NO! 

**bagel man** : Hanneman, is the magic tourney ready to go?

**ham me man** : Oh goodness I lost track of the time! Yes it’ll be ready soon!

**bagel man** : It is 6:28, Hanneman!!!! It starts at six thirty!!!

**Professor Superstar** : LOOOLLLL

**ham me man is idle.**

—-

**WYRM’S HALLOW - 7:02**

**WeSchemin** : Yo did you see the results of the magic tourney?

**TheLadyFlame** : I still cannot believe Hubert lost. 

**MiniBladeBreaker** : hey, to be fair, lysithea is probably the best dark mage in the golden deer. He had some competition.

**MiniBladeBreaker** : Losing to lysithea in the final round? Not too bad, let’s be honest.

**TheLadyFlame** : I suppose you have a point there. 

**shortking** : Hey, they were pretty close. Maybe if the circumstances were different Hubert could beat lysithea. 

**MiniBladeBreaker** : Are you just saying that because you lost your bet with Raphael???

**shortking** : … no…..

**ubertdriver** : We still have a lot of food, I can spare you a slice if you want?

**shortking** : …. okay…. :,ccc

**Angery Miasma Demon** : Hey guys, have you seen Hubert anywhere? 

**Angery Miasma Demon** : I want to talk to him about something

**TheLadyFlame** : is it anything in particular….? I recall he retired to his dormitory after the battle. He wanted to rest.

**Angery Miasma Demon** : Oh. Okay

**TheLadyFlame** : I’m sure you can still message him, though.

**Angery Miasma Demon** : Oh yeah, true. Thanks Edelgard!

**TheLadyFlame** : Not a problem. 

—

**Angery Miasma Demon began messaging Slytherin at 7:12pm.**

**Angery Miasma Demon** : Hey Hubert?

**Slytherin** : Lysithea?

**Angery Miasma Demon** : Hi.

**Angery Miasma Demon** : 

**Slytherin** : ...Why are you texting me?

**Angery Miasma Demon** : Just wanted to say good work on that last match. Thought you had me cornered a little there. You’re good.

**Angery Miasma Demon** : Yeah that’s all

**Slytherin** : Did you just message me to compliment me, or comfort me about losing? 

**Slytherin** : Because you’ve never done that before.

**Angery Miasma Demon** : Ugh 

**Angery Miasma Demon** : No I’m actually being sincere here. Also,

**Angery Miasma Demon** : Do you want some coffee beans?

**Slytherin** : What, the ones you won? From the match I just lost?

**Angery Miasma Demon** : ...Yeah?

**Angery Miasma Demon** : What, you know, because I know you like coffee. It’s a gift.

**Slytherin** : Oh. I’m afraid I’ll have to decline. I’m not a fan of pity gifts.

**Angery Miasma Demon** : It’s not a pity gift.

**Slytherin** : Then why would you give me your prize? You won it fair and square, keep it. 

**Angery Miasma Demon** : Oh my god??? you fucking idiot just take the coffee ?????

**Slytherin** : No, I won’t. Besides, I’m not fond of vanilla roast.

**Slytherin** : Personally, I think you’d prefer it more than me.

**Angery Miasma Demon** : I don’t like coffee dumbass that’s why I’m giving it to you

**Slytherin** : Truly? For someone who stays up so late, I thought it would be well up your alley. 

**Slytherin** : The only reason why I’m able to stay awake for days on end is because of that caffeine. 

**Angery Miasma Demon** : I mean yeah it would be nice to try coffee. I hate collapsing of tiredness and sleeping in class, but also I hate the bitter taste. 

**Slytherin** : Oh, you don’t know?

**Angery Miasma Demon** : what

**Slytherin** : If you bring over some of those chocolates from the dining hall, I could show you

**Angery Miasma Demon** : Wait Wait Wait, stop being cryptic for a second.

**Angery Miasma Demon** : are we putting chocolate in coffee?

**Slytherin** : Yes, we can make a mocha recipe. It’s unbearably sweet. And it’s still got a nice caffeine kick.

**Angery Miasma Demon** : oh . Huh. 

**Angery Miasma Demon** : I kinda wanna try that.

**Slytherin** : My doors are open if you want me to show you how to make a cup.

**Angery Miasma Demon** : You know I think I’ll take you up on that offer

**Angery Miasma Demon** : Thanks, Hubert

**Slytherin** : Hm. Glad to hear.

—

**WYRM’S HALLOW - 7:37pm**

**Angery Miasma Demon** : FUCK

**Angery Miasma Demon** : FUCN FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKF CUMF CUMFUCKF UCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKUFJCUFKCUFJCUFKCUKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCJFUCJ

**WeSchemin** : language

**Angery Miasma Demon** : SSSSSHhhhhhUT uP!!! CLAUDE!

**Angery Miasma Demon** : I’m about to astral project into the ffffucking SSSSSTRAtoSPHEEEEREEEE

**Angery Miasma Demon** : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! AAAAAAAAAA!!!

**VibeCheck** : what the FUCK is up with Lysithea??? 

**Slytherin** : I gave her a small mocha.

**Slytherin** : …I do not think she has had caffeine before.

**Angery Miasma Demon** : I FEEL MY BOOOOONES… VVVVvvvVvVvviibBRATINg

**Angery Miasma Demon** : my hands are fucking shaky holy sshit I feel like I can beat sothis with my bare fists 

**Angery Miasma Demon** : I’m going to the haunted house. I’m goinna fuck the haunteddd housue 

**VibeCheck** : oh if you’re going me and Mari are going too! ^^

**angel** : wwe are???

**VibeCheck** : of course!! It’ll be so cute. Like a couples thing

**angel** : a couples thing???

**VibeCheck** : 

**VibeCheck** : yah!! A couple of cuties!! ;3

** _horny sent a live video._ **

_ Sylvain: Ay, it’s me and my girl Dorothea, here at the haunted house~! _

_ Dorothea: I’m not your girl~!  _

_ Sylvain: Felix is here too, say hi Felix. _

_ Felix: No. _

_ Edelgard: Dorothea, would you like to enter first?  _

_ Dorothea: Oh, Edie, such a darling! But hold my hand when we go in, okay? _

_ Edelgard: As you wish, hehe. _

_ Lysithea skips the line into the haunted house, sprinting inside.  _

_ Lysithea: Outta my way! I’m gonna beat the shit out of a ghost! Fuck fear! I’m a demon! I’m a machine! Aaaarrghh! _

_ Lysithea: *(unintelligible)* _

_ Edelgard: Um...after you? _

_ Dorothea and Edelgard disappear inside the haunted house. _

_ Sylvain: Come on, Felix, let’s go! _

_ Felix: Get your hands off me. _

_ Hilda: Ooh, Mari, it’s so spo-o-oky in here. _

_ Marianne: Erm… _

_ Hilda: Eep! Scary!  _

_ Hilda: Whose fingers are those? Who’s toes are those? Gross, those better be fake. _

_ Marianne: I’m sure they are… _

_ Dorothea is heard yelling and laughing in the distance. Oddly, Edelgard doesn’t seem to react to anything.  _

_ Sylvain: Yo, Felix, you feeling these spooky vibes? These nasty ghoul energies? _

_ Felix: ...No. _

_ Felix is visibly on edge. He looks slightly closed-off.  _

_ Sylvain: Awww, come cuddle with me, don’t be a scaredy cat. _

_ Felix: Hell no. Get away. _

_ Marianne: *(unintelligible)* _

_ Felix: Was that Marianne up ahead? _

_ Sylvain: Yeah, seems like it.  _

_ Sylvain: Wait, Wait. Holy shit, what is that? _

_ Felix: Huh? _

_ Sylvain: Dude, there’s something moving behind you. Dude, oh my god— _

_ Felix: Shut the fuck up, it’s a haunted house! What is it? _

_ Sylvain: Dude I’m serious, it’s right behind you! _

_ Felix: Huh?! _

_ Felix turns around and throws a nasty left hook directly into the jaw of the figure behind him. There’s a sickening crunch sound when the impact hits, and the figure instantly falls to the floor.  _

_ Jertiza: ...Ouch. _

_ Sylvain: What the fuck?! Yo, is that professor Jertiza?  _

_ Felix: Oh fuck, oh my god! Fuck! _

_ Sylvain: Professor Jertiza? Are you okay!? Your nose is bleeding!  _

_ Jertiza: ...Hm. It seems like I’ve been wounded.  _

_ Jertiza: Very good technique, Felix. I see your brawling skills have improved. Did your crest activate as well? I could feel a delightfully surging energy in my skull. _

_ Felix: I...Huh? What? _

_ Sylvain: Professor Jertiza, I think that’s called a concussion?  _

_ Jertiza: Ah...I will be just fine. By the way, Felix, this will reflect on your final grade. Your resolve is strong. _

_ Jertiza stands up and walks away as if nothing happened, still bleeding through his mask. _

_ Sylvain: ...Bro? What the fuck just happened?  _

_ Felix: I have… no clue.  _

** _horny’s live video has ended._ **

—

**WYRM’S HALLOW - 7:58pm**

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS renamed WYRM’S HALLOW to WYRM’S HALLOW PRANK WAR.**

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Hi all, the prank war starts at 8:05. Here’s the rules for review.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Pranks, as defined by...Claude, involve exploiting the inherent weaknesses of someone to stun, startle, and shock. Such is the element of a good bamboozling. Pranks can be targeted towards an individual, or, simply be done to amuse and confuse. In a good prank war, each prank should be of the “targeted” variety.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Your pranks are not to inflict direct, fatal harm onto any student. Pranks intentionally cause threatening injuries, like breaking bones or damaging other body parts, are not permitted. No knee kicks, nothing injuring the crotch, no eyeball poking. Nothing like that.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : I will use this chat to update various things, but you are free to talk during the event. 

**horny is idle.**

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : the “war zone,” which this event takes place, includes the following places. The gardens, officer’s academy grounds, Knight’s hall, reception hall, and entrance hall. 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Whoever gets pranked is eliminated from the competition! Upon elimination, you must immediately leave the war zone! 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : You will not get credit for pranking those who is not participating in the contest, or for pranking anyone outside the war zone. The last one standing by 10:00pm wins.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Now, as of right now, our pranksters include…

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Ferdinand! 

**I AM spooky FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : Hello!

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Caspar!

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Bernadetta? Wait...oh.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Bernadetta!

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Petra!

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Claude.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Sylvain.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Annette!

**cinnamonroll** : present!

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Mercedes! 

**cinnamonroll** : Mercie is with me and she said hello! 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Your time starts now! 

**fettuccine** : why did Sylvain go idle? He’s going to miss all the updates.

**chinken nunget** : I’d go tell him, but I don’t want to get involved in...that.

**fettuccine** : Oh, well. Good luck to everyone? 

**croissant** : don’t get hurt out there! 

—

**WYRM’S HALLOW PRANK WAR - 8:26pm.**

** _shortking sent a video._ **

_ Caspar: Hahaha, you good down there, Ferdinand? _

_ The video shows Ferdinand sitting at the bottom of a rather deep pit. He’s covered in hay. He spits out a few strands of straw from his mouth. _

_ Ferdinand: Urgh. Very clever, Caspar... _

_ Ferdinand: You’ve bested me yet, but next time, I won’t be so easily tricked! _

_ Caspar: Yeah, yeah, keep talking. Stupid tall people, heh. _

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS:** Ferdinand has been eliminated! 

—

**FodlanExplain sent a message to Berniebaby at 8:29pm.**

**FodlanExplain** : did you see Caspar’s video?

**Berniebaby** : I did...what are we gonna do? We already set a pit trap for Ferdinand!

**FodlanExplain** : focus our efforts on Caspar next. while his video showed he was at the gardens, we do not know how long ago it was filmed. 

**FodlanExplain** : let us leave the pit trap behind. It will act as a handy lure. For now, I will watch from the trees. 

**FodlanExplain** : Wait, stay where you are! I see him attempting to sneak up on you, do not look up from your phone! 

**Berniebaby** : ??/?/???/?/!!! HUH

**Berniebaby** : PETRAAAA???!??!??

—-

**WYRM’S HALLOW PRANK WAR - 8:32pm**

** _shortking sent a live video._ **

_ Caspar: *(whispering)* Guys, I see Bernadetta. She’s distracted. I’m gonna walk over and spook her.  _

_ Caspar: … _

_ Caspar: *(unintelligible screaming)* _

_ The phone drops to the floor as Caspar runs away. Petra hops down from a tall tree and grabs the phone.  _

_ Petra: ...Huh. It seems as if the Levin sword plan worked.  _

** _Caspar’s live video has ended._ **

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Petra, you didn’t mean to shock Caspar directly, right?

**FodlanExplain** : No, I wanted to target the place at his feet. He was not harmed.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Huh. Okay. Fine by me. Caspar has been eliminated!

—-

**WYRM’S HALLOW PRANK WAR - 8:40**

** _cinnamonroll sent a video to the chat._ **

_ Annette: Me and Mercie don’t really know what we’re doing. *giggle*  _

_ Annette: Look at Mercie, she’s just—haha! _

_ There is a figure walking around with a cloth sheet over its head. _

_ Mercedes(?): Ooooh! Woooooh~! _

_ Annette: Mercedes! You look so scary! *laughter* _

_ Annette: Take that sheet off, you’re making my hairs stand on end!  _

_ Another Mercedes appears from behind Annette, holding a bucket of water.  _

_ Mercedes: Hm? _

_ Mercedes: Annie, who are you talking to? _

_ Annette: Huh? Mercedes, I thought you were over there! _

_ Annette: You know, wearing that sheet over your head. _

_ Mercedes: Nope, I’m afraid I have no clue what you mean. _

_ Annette: W-Wait. What do you mean you don’t know who’s under the sheet? _

_ Mercedes lifts up the sheet, revealing nothing underneath it. _

_ Mercedes: Oh! _

_ Annette: *(high pitched screaming)* _

_ Annette: A ghost! It’s a ghost!  _

_ Unknown: *(laughter)* _

_ Mercedes: Oh, goodness. I do believe we’ve been rightfully pranked! _

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Mercedes and Annette have been eliminated!

**cinnamonroll** : Well, that was fun, goofing off for a bit. Me and Mercie are gonna spectate! Is that ok?

**shortking** : Yes please. Join me in the loser’s corner. The little box of shame.

**I AM spooky FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : I do not like being in the box of shame. 

**HaveMercie** : Who’s left?

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Sylvain, Petra, Bernadetta, and Claude.

**I AM spooky FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : I still can’t believe Bernadetta’s in the prank war.

**shortking** : She and Petra and teaming up together. But I don’t think they’ll be able to beat Claude. 

**cinnamonroll** : Yeah, Claude’s probably gonna win. He always wins prank wars. 

**HaveMercie** : I’m afraid I have to agree. He certainly is smart…

** _horny sent a live video._ **

_ Sylvain: Someone’s coming around the corner. I’m gonna prank them, just watch! By the way, this bucket’s full of cinnamon powder, don’t worry. _

_ Two figures pass around the corner, and Sylvain yells, throwing the bucket onto one of them. _

_ Hilda: *(screaming)* _

_ Marianne: *(screaming)* _

_ Hilda: Are you fucking kidding me?! Sylvain!  _

_ Marianne: Oh, goodness... _

_ Sylvain: Huh? Oh, shit!  _

_ Hilda: Marianne, are you ok? Oh, no, your hair! And  _ y _ our dress!  _

_ Marianne: I-I’m okay, just a little stunned is all. _

_ Hilda: Sylvain, you fucking dick! You ruined our costumes! _

_ Hilda: And you threw that bucket at Marianne! You could have hurt her, you know? _

_ Marianne: It’s fine, Hilda. I’ll just clean up. _

_ Hilda: You better apologize right the fuck now, asshole! _

_ Sylvain: I-I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean it! I swear!  _

_ Hilda: Hey, hold on a fucking second—are you recording this?! Give me that! _

_ Sylvain: Agh! _

_ Marianne: Hilda, wai— _

** _horny’s live video has ended._ **

**horny is idle.**

**WeSchemin** : Oh FUCK 

**shortking** : NO WAY

**cinnamonroll** : Is Marianne okay?!

**VibeCheck** : She’s fine. Just changing.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Sylvain doesn’t get any points for that.

**VibeCheck** : Professor.

**VibeCheck** : I’m joining the prank war.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Ok.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : EVERYONE! Hilda has joined the prank war! 

**HaveMercie** : I sure hope Sylvain got that message...

**I AM spooky FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : Goodness. Looks like this prank war just got a lot more bloody. 

—

**Berniebaby began messaging FodlanExplain at 8:48pm.**

**Berniebaby** : Did you see the vvideo on the chat?? 

**FodlanExplain** : Yes. I see we have more competition to be concerned over….however, let us focus our efforts on defeating Claude. Sylvain and Hilda might eliminate each other first.

**Berniebaby** : ok..um.

**Berniebaby** : How long are we just gonna wait up here?

**FodlanExplain** : Until the opportune moment. Our fake traps are set. Everything is in perfect position. 

**FodlanExplain** : Pranking, I have noticed, is a bit like hunting. You must wait for the opportune moment, and strike it when it comes. 

**Berniebaby** : umm. Okay. I think I get what you mean?

**Berniebaby** : ohshOOT I SEE somethtifnbf 

**Berniebaby** : Fuckfucfuc fucfucfuck 

**FodlanExplain** : Remember the plan! Ready yourself, Bernadetta, this is our moment to obtain the higher hand! 

**FodlanExplain** : You can do this, Bernadetta, I am believing in you!

**Berniebaby** : o.ok!!! I’m not gonna mess this up!!! I’m gonna DO THIS FOR YOU!!!

—

**WYRM’S HALLOW PRANK WAR - 8:51pm**

**WeSchemin** : So, uh, guess who’s soaking wet and has a bucket on his head.

**chinken nunget:** Sylvain?

**WeSchemin sent Igotclowned.jpg**

**WeSchemin** : Yeah

**WeSchemin** : not that proud myself

**shortking** : oHHH HOLY SHIT 

**I AM spooky FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : CLAUDE HAS FALLEN?!

**cinnamonroll** : CLAUDE HAS FALLEN!!!!!

**HaveMercie** : *i toot a fanfare of defeat and failure on some brass horns!*

**WeSchemin** : I’ve been absolutely clowned… completely bamboozled… utterly murdered by your tomfuckery….

**shortking** : BY WHO THOUGH

**WeSchemin** : Petra and Bernadetta.

**shortking** : HOLY SHIT!!!

**I AM spooky FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : WHAAAAT?!?!?

**cinnamonroll** : YEAAHH! GIRL POWER!! WOOOO!!! <3

**HaveMercie** : My my, impressive!

**I AM spooky FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : I see it was my mistake to underestimate them...

**shortking** : GO BERNIE GO BERNIE GO BERNIE 

**shortking** : GO PETRA GO PETRA GO PETRA 

**I AM spooky FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : Still, I cannot help but shake my suspicion ...Did you let them win, Claude? 

**WeSchemin** : Nope. They really and truly clowned me. Fucking zipped a bucket of water across a clothesline and now I’m a very wet and sexy pirate. 

**I AM spooky FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : Goodness…

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Claude has been ELIMINATED!

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : We are down to our last pranksters. Who will win? Sylvain, Hilda, or the unstoppable tag team of Bernadetta and Petra?!

—

**FodlanExplain** : Our next target...should be Sylvain. 

**Berniebaby** : Are you sure?

**FodlanExplain** : I have been keeping log of the chat. Sylvain has not been active since Hilda’s joining. He has no idea that there is a new player in the fray, so he will target us first.

**FodlanExplain** : Hilda is currently targeting sylvain, and likely will not attempt to engage with us. We should be taking advantage of his precarious position by getting him now.

**Berniebaby** : Oh, okay. How should we do this?

**FodlanExplain** : I think we can utilize a similar method of spooking as with caspar. You will act as the bait, and when sylvain comes running, I will drop this flayed banana onto the floor. He will slip and fall onto his bottom, like a fool.

**Berniebaby** : ...A banana peel?

**FodlanExplain** : yes, the skin of the banana.

**Berniebaby** : Never say that again.

**Berniebaby** : 

**Berniebaby** : ...UM…………...

**FodlanExplain** : What is it?

**Berniebaby** : I jsugt got a mnessage from syvlvain,,,

**Berniebaby** : ????He says he has my notebook???!!!!!

**Berniebaby** : He’s offering to give it back??!?!?!

**FodlanExplain** : This is a good opportunity to strike, bernadetta. We know where he is! 

**Berniebaby** : HOOOLD UP ,,, 

**Berniebaby** : I don;t ever remember losing my notebook!!! I think this is a trap!!!! 

**FodlanExplain** : Oh, that is very likely true...

**FodlanExplain** : Hmmm….

**FodlanExplain** : I still think that this is a chance to catch him at his own game.

**Berniebaby** : WWWHAT

**FodlanExplain** : Think about it. He believes he is luring you into weakness. His confidence is very inflated.

**FodlanExplain** : He will not expect us to retaliate.

**Berniebaby** : But what if he DOES????? What if we lose after all this?!!!!

**FodlanExplain** : Bernadetta, trust me. We will be victorious.

**FodlanExplain** : You can count on me. I promise that no harm shall come to you, Bernadetta.

**Berniebaby** : Well…

**Berniebaby** : ...okay. I’ll do it. But, stay right behind me, okay, petra?

**FodlanExplain** : I will, bernadetta. 

\---

** _horny sent a live video._ **

_ Sylvain: Guys, I’m gonna prank Bernie and Petra. Watch this. _

_ He sets the phone down by a tree trunk and waits for Bernadetta, who walks towards him nervously. _

_ Bernadetta: Ulp. He’s over there. _

_ Sylvain: Hey, Bernadetta! How’s it going? _

_ Bernadetta: ...Uhhh...I don’t know. _

_ Bernadetta: ...Give me my notebook back?  _

_ Sylvain: Ah ah ah, you gotta speak up a little. And, uh, walk forward a bit too. _

_ Bernadetta: Oh, are you serious?! _

_ Sylvain: I’m serious! Just ask nicely, and I’ll give it back. _

_ Bernadetta: As if! I know you’re trying to trick me, Sylvain. Tell me this, what colour is my notebook cover?! _

_ Sylvain: It’s a purple leather-bound notebook with a hedgehog on it. _

_ Bernadetta: Oh...oh no… oh, how do you know that?! _

_ Sylvain: Because it’s right here! _

_ He pulls out a notebook, seemingly out of nowhere. Bernadetta’s face washes over with pure horror. _

_ Bernadetta: Aaagh! How did you get that?! Give it back! Give it back! _

_ Sylvain holds the notebook above his head with one arm as Bernadetta flails around, jumping and trying to grab it. _

_ Sylvain: Nuh-uh! I’m not giving it back just yet. Since you seem to like it so much, lemme just give it a peek. I’m gonna read all about your crushes, ooh… _

_ Bernadetta: N-no! Don’t you dare! _

_ Sylvain: Maybe I’ll get someone to read it with me... Petra, maybe? _

_ Bernadetta: *(screaming)*  _

_ Petra: Bernadetta, no! _

_ Sylvain: Fetch! *(laughter)* _

_ Sylvain tosses the notebook into a nearby tree. Bernadetta scrambles up the trunk and snatches the notebook.  _

_ Bernadetta: Oh, god, oh thank god, everything’s intact-- _

_ Bernadetta: Wait?! Why are all of these pages blank!? _

_ Sylvain: You just got p-p-p-pranked, that’s what!  _

_ In the distance, Petra yelps unceremoniously.  _

_ Petra: *(swearing in a foriegn language)* _

_ Bernadetta: *(Screaming)* No! No! You read everything! My life is over! Over! _

_ Sylvain: Dude, chill, it’s a fake. The real one’s right here! _

_ He produces a notebook that’s near identical to the one in Bernadetta’s hands. However, it’s more worn out, indicating frequent use. _

_ Bernadetta: Wait, if this notebook’s fake, where’s my real notebook?! _

_ Sylvain: Oh! I found the actual thing in the reception hall, so, I thought I’d give it back. But, you know, why not prank you while I’m at it? Haha.  _

_ Sylvain: Don’t worry, I didn’t actually read any of it. Trust me. _

_ Bernadetta: ...I hate you. _

_ Sylvain: Yeah, yeah, I get that a lot. Uh...You’re pretty high up right now, so I’ll leave this over here. _

_ He places the real notebook by the base of the tree and sprints away. _

_ Bernadetta: Ugh…I hate you, Sylvain! _

_ Bernadetta: Now I just gotta get down… _

_ Bernadetta: Oh, god, this tree is huge. How high up did I climb?! _

_ Bernadetta: Is anybody there? Hello? I need some help! I can’t get down on my own! _

_ Bernadetta: Help?! Help!  _

_ Bernadetta: Help! Anybody! Professor Eisner!? Petra! Petra, help me! _

_ Bernadetta: ... _

_ Bernadetta: No one’s coming...maybe if I could...just get down on my own… _

_ Bernadetta: *(screams)* _

_ Bernadetta: Ack! Aahhh...ow, ow ow! That hurts, that hurts!  _

_ Bernadetta: I think I broke something...Oh, shit! ...I can’t get up…! _

\---

**WYRM’S HALLOW PRANK WAR - 9:12pm**

**Berniebaby** : Help i need help

**Berniebaby** : i fell out of a tree i think i broke something

**Berniebaby** : i cant move my leg

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Bernadetta, is everything alright?! Where are you right now?

**Berniebaby** : Officer’s academy grounds

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS:** Where is petra?

**Berniebaby** : I don’t know she isnt responding to my texts

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Ok, I will be there soon.

**VibeCheck** : bernie no!!!! What happened?!

**Berniebaby** : I got pranked by sylvain

**Berniebaby** : I dont wanna say anythong more other than that he got me up into a tree and i fell out and i cant move

**VibeCheck** : BITCH

**VibeCheck** : I WILL FUCKING DESTORY HIM

**VibeCheck** : HILDA’S HUNGRY FOR BLOOD.

**shortking** : OH MY GOD HE DID W H A T??!

**I AM spooky FERDINAND VON AEGIR** : GET HIM HILDA! NOBODY HURTS OUR BERNADETTA!

**swordgay** : You’ve gotta be kidding me. that fucking asshole! 

**chinken nunget** : We leave him alone for one night and this happens. One fucking night!

**lesbiab** : KILL HIM HILDA 

**lesbiab** : KILL THE SLUTMAN

**TheLadyFlame** : I truly cannot believe this. I’m coming over to help. 

**WeSchemin** : I’m coming over too. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

**WeSchemin** : I’m really sorry, bernadetta. I’ll make it up to you.

**Berniebaby** : its not your fault claude you didntndo anything wrong,,,

**FodlanExplain** : Bernadetta!

**Berniebaby** : !!!! Petra!!!!

**FodlanExplain** : are you okay?!

**Berniebaby** : No! I can;t move! Are you okay tho??

**Berniebaby** : you werent responding to your texts!!!

**FodlanExplain** : Bernadetta I’m so sorry, it was all my fault! 

**FodlanExplain** : I forced you to go after him, and now you are hurt because of me. I understand if you do not want to forgive me.

**FodlanExplain** : i even got caught in the trap we had set for ferdinand, of all people. I have failed you in every way…

**Berniebaby** : no..it’s not ur ffsult....it’s my fault ...I fell for his stupid fucking trick...

**Berniebaby** : all because im too sensitive abbout a stupid fffuckingg noteobook!! Of cours he wouldnt read it. Of course...

**Berniebaby** : why woudl anyone read it??? And now i cant fucking walk im useless im so stupid im sorru petra im sorry!!!

**FodlanExplain** : Bernadetta, no, it’s not your fault! Please do not be saying such things! 

**VibeCheck** : This shit is making my fucking blood boil. 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Hilda, please don’t actually hurt Sylvain. We don’t want any more injuries tonight.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Bernadetta, I’m coming with Manuela. We’ll be there soon.

**VibeCheck** : Petra, where are you? I’m getting you out. That live video is still running, so i know where the fucker left his phone…

**FodlanExplain** : I’m in the gardens near the officer’s academy grounds, held by the ankle...please look out for any traps!

**VibeCheck** : Gotcha, girl. I’m coming.

-

** _VibeCheck sent a live video._ **

_ Hilda: Hey, guys, I found Sylvain’s phone. Oh, man. What a fucking treat this is! _

_ Hilda: He’s been going after girls all night, that’s why the fucker’s idle. All his messages are from girls he’s asked to dance tonight! Gross. _

_ Hilda: Anyways. I have a fin-tastic idea. Hilda, why the bad fish pun, you might ask? Oh...you’ll know why. _

_ Hilda: He’s coming! Hold on. _

_ Hilda: Hi, Sylvain~! _

_ Sylvain: Oh, hey, Hilda! Just on my way to get my prize. I won the prank war, didn’t you know?  _

_ Hilda: Oh, good for you! Congratulations. _

_ Sylvain: So, uh...no hard feelings about that earlier incident, right? I’m so sorry. I really messed up there. _

_ Hilda: Yeah, you did. But no hard feelings! We’re good. _

_ Hilda: Oh, by the way, did you check your phone recently? _

_ Sylvain: Um...no? Why? _

_ Sylvain checks his pockets, and his phone isn’t there. _

_ Sylvain: Haha, speaking of which, where is it? _

_ Hilda: Oh, it’s right ...in here! _

_ Hilda: In this. _

_ Sylvain: What the --?! _

_ Hilda holds out a giant basket of dead fish. There’s a faint ringing noise coming from inside it.  _

_ Hilda: Oopsie! Looks like one of these little fishies ate your phone, Sylvain!  _

_ Sylvain: Oh my god. Hilda, what the fuck?! That’s disgusting! What the hell is this?! _

_ Hilda: It’s a prank, silly! And I win the prank war! _

_ Sylvain: What?! But you weren’t even participating! _

_ Hilda: Ohhh. You didn’t get the memo about late-joining members, huh? _

_ Sylvain: Oh my god, Hilda. Hilda, you can’t be serious. _

_ Hilda: Have fun, Sylvain. Oh, by the way… _

_ Hilda: This is for Marianne, and my costume. And especially Bernadetta!  _

_ She slaps him on the back of the head with a fish. _

_ Hilda: Call that a vibe check, fucker! Hah! _

** _VibeCheck’s live video has ended._ **

-

**WYRM’S HALLOW PRANK WAR - 9:22pm**

**horny** : okay. ONE:

**horny** : Fuck you hilda for making me dig out my phone from a fish’s asshole.

**horny** : TWO what the Hell do you mean late entries were allowed?!

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : I posted it as soon as the match began. You went idle while I was explaining the rules.

**horny** : I was getting a head start!

**WeSchemin** : oooooh. Not a good excuse there, buddy. You weren’t allowed to do trap prep before the event, it started at 8:00 flat

**horny** : fuck

**horny** : Ok what happened with bernadetta.

**lesbiab** : Scroll up, fucker.

**horny** : Oh god

**lesbiab** : See what you did?

**horny** : Shit I’m sorry 

**horny** : Bernadetta I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for you to get hurt. I really truly seriously didn’t mean for that to happen

**FodlanExplain** : Do not be forgiving him, bernadetta. He blackmailed you with the notebook. 

**FodlanExplain** : If you ask me, i am believing he should be disqualified.

**Berniebaby** : ...actually

**Berniebaby** : ...um. its ok.

**Berniebaby** : i forgive you.

**VibeCheck** : WHAT

**FodlanExplain** : Bernadetta, he deserves punishment! He pranked dishonourably and cruelly, and hurt you in the process!

**Berniebaby** : no its okay! ... ive done some thinking about it.

**Berniebaby** : he didn’t actually read my notebook. He didn’t do anything to deliberatley hurt me.

**Berniebaby** : i was the one who fell down and broke my leg. He just threw it into the tree. Plus, he was nice enough to actually get me my notebook back and not read it.

**Berniebaby** : ...you didn’t read it, right?

**horny** : Nope.

**Berniebaby** : Ok good...

**TheLadyFlame** : you had better be telling the truth.

**horny** : I swear on my heart I am. 

**Berniebaby** : if id waited for a bit longer i wouldnt be in this situation. It’s my fault for that.

**lesbiab** : His methods were still cowardly. He took advantage of you, bernadetta. You can’t just let that go.

**Berniebaby** : i know...but he didnt break any rules….

**Berniebaby** : he just exploited my weakness. right? My notebook is my weakness. And that’s what youre supposed to do when you prank? E/exploit a weakness to shock and surprise?

**WeSchemin** : ok yeah, but not like that. You clearly didn’t enjoy that prank. It was supposed to be fun, not hurtful.

**Berniebaby** : ohhhh….

**Berniebaby** : it just

**Berniebaby** : it wouldn’t sit right with me if we all got in trouble because of something that’s my fault ….

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Hm. 

**Berniebaby** : Professor, i was rightfully eliminated from the competition. it was my fault i got hurt. Sylvain earned his point fair and square. Please don’t punish anyone…,,,

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Thank you, Bernadetta. Your input is greatly valued. And don’t worry, I won’t tell any higher-ups about this. 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : While I am greatly upset that Bernadetta was injured, we still enjoyed our time tonight. 

**horny** : I still smell like fish yall

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Most of us enjoyed our time tonight.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Anyways. I believe that we have experienced some very interesting things tonight. I believe that, according to the rules of the prank war, we have all played fairly. Bernadetta’s injury, while not caused by any particular party, is still not something I can overlook easily. It is our united responsibility to ensure that no similar injuries happen in the future. That said. To declare the winner…

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : While Sylvain remained unaware of the late newcomers rule, it was everyone’s responsibility to read the rules beforehand. So, that said, The rightful winner of the prank war is Hilda! 

**VibeCheck** : FUCK YEAH!!!!

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : You get 500 gold added to your GarregMachCashAccount and twenty one bags of the bulk candy we didn’t have time to give out tonight.

**VibeCheck** : SWEET SERIOS! that is a lot of candy??? MArianne do you want some???

**angel** : um

**angel** : sure! But… maybe only a little. Like seven bags???

**VibeCheck** : Ok thats cool sweetie. I’ll take seven too, and then Ill give the last sevem it to Bernadetta. We’ll be even!

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : ok. Sounds good. 

**Berniebaby** : wait really?????!!!!!1

**VibeCheck** : ya ofc its yours girl!!!

**Berniebaby** : Thank you so much hilda!! thank you thank you thank you!! :’000

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Now. Everyone. Who’s ready for the dance? Because you guys better get going. It starts in 10 minutes! Now go go go!

**WeSchemin** : Yeah, let’s try to get this off of our minds. Tonight was supposed to be fun, yeah? Let’s enjoy it while we still can. 

**Berniebaby** : yea guys don’t worry about me

**Berniebaby** : go have fun!! Please ! Enjoy yourselves! 

**TheLadyFlame** : If that is your wish, Bernadetta, I will gladly honour it. 

**TheLadyFlame** : Dorothea, may I be your first dance of tonight?

**lesbiab** : Oh, why thank you, Edie. I’ll gladly! <3

-

**FodlanExplain began messaging Berniebaby at 10:26pm.**

**FodlanExplain** : Bernie, are you doing ok?

**Berniebaby** : im ok! Just eating a lot of candy. My leg stll hurtsbut asides from that im ok….

**Berniebaby** : a lot of people visited my room and texted me and it’s kind of werid hhhhh I don’t know what to say to them a lot 

**Berniebaby** : how are u??

**FodlanExplain** : I am fine. I am still concerned, however. 

**Berniebaby** : why??

**FodlanExplain** : I feel as if it is my fault that you are hurt. And I want to make up to you the best I can.

**Berniebaby** : Oh… Petra…

**Berniebaby** : It’s okay, it’s not your fault! I said that before already 

**FodlanExplain** : Bernadetta, I would rather you be putting the blame on me rather than yourself. I forced you to go after Sylvain. I am still partially to blame. 

**Berniebaby** : oh…..

**Berniebaby** : look Petra,,, 

**Berniebaby** : I don’t know if it matters who’s fault it is anymore I jsut. 

**Berniebaby** : I jsut want you to be happy now ok? It’s not your fault. And if you don’t want me to blame myself 

**Berniebaby** : I … I guess it’s not totally mine either? 

**Berniebaby** : yea. 

**Berniebaby** : Hey Petra?

**FodlanExplain** : yes?

**Berniebaby** : could you do smth for me?

**FodlanExplain** : What is it? I would be glad to do so.

**Berniebaby** : Go enjoy the dance. Just like take a break for tonight you know??? Please??

**Berniebaby** : even tho I got hurt today I still had fun being with you … and I want you to keep having fun . Ok? Ook. 

**FodlanExplain** : Oh, Bernie…your heart is most kind. 

**FodlanExplain** : I will try to have a good time for the rest of the night. Thank you for your kindness.

**FodlanExplain** : But I will check up on you later, okay?

**Berniebaby** : okay that’s cool! Now go out and do things!! Not like me haha

**FodlanExplain** : I will

**FodlanExplain** : <3

—

**swordgay began messaging horny at 10:34pm.**

**swordgay** : where are you right now

**swordgay** : where the fuck are you

**horny** : chill out I’m in my room. What 

**swordgay** : what r u doing

**horny** : No girls want to dance with me because I smell like fucking fish so I just went back for the night . 

**horny** : did you come to yell @ me about the Bernadetta thing or

**swordgay** : yes

**horny** : oh my god

**swordgay** : Sylvain why the fuck would you do that. Like I get it. Prank war. Fine. But you had to go after Bernadetta in the most terrible way possible

**swordgay** : Like the girls already on fucking edge and you go out and traumatize her with a dupe notebook with all her secrets in it. Why would you do that. There’s so many other ways to scare her and you fucking did that 

**horny** : You sound like Ingrid

**swordgay** : Shut the fuck up asshat You know you made a mistake

**swordgay** : listen up I’m not telling you this because I fucking hate you or something

**swordgay** : Just there are other people who you can fuck with to that capacity and won’t mind it. 

**swordgay** : Like me. And Ingrid. And Dimitri. 

**swordgay** : you don’t know about what limits these other people have and wether or not you’re actually seriously hurting them and that’s been your fucking problem since day one. 

**horny** : felix, I really don’t want to hear it. I gave Bernadetta her book back already, what more do you want?

**swordgay** : Just fucking listen to me!

**swordgay** : I’m not saying that you didn’t try to make up for what you did. You apologized to Bernadetta and gave her that notebook back and I get that. I know that you feel like utter shit for unintentionally hurting her. But other people don’t know that

**swordgay** : Just do this for me and listen. You’re not the kind of person who wants to pick on the weak and timid because you’re an asshole. I’m just saying all of this because I care about you and want people to see you for who you really are. So Please just fucking learn from your mistakes for once and think about your actions before you do them

**swordgay** : Please, Sylvain. 

**horny is idle.**

—

**horny began messaging swordgay at 10:54pm.**

**horny** : Hey

**swordgay** : Did you ignore me for a chick?

**horny** : No dumbass

**horny** : I was just thinking. That’s all.

**horny** : god.

**horny** : you and Ingrid are better than what I deserve. 

**horny** : so uh 

**horny** : do you wanna dance? I don’t smell like fish anymore dw haha

**swordgay** : No dancing. I’ll just be there.

—

**WYRM’S HALLOW PRANK WAR - 11:01pm**

**WeSchemin renamed WYRM’S HALLOW PRANK WAR to MONSTER MASH **

** _Edelgard sent a live video._ **

_ Music is blaring, and the audio is hardly discernible. A loud thumping beat with dozens of loud children screaming “Bustin’ makes me feel good!” roar on in the background. Shamir and Catherine, barely visible, look over the swarming crowd of teenagers with minor disdain. _

_ Dorothea: Ay-yo, me and Edie are kickin it up in here!  _

_ Edelgard: She took my phone. _

_ Claude: Hey hey, it’s D-thea and Miss El! What’s good, what’s good? _

_ Dorothea: Oh my god, never talk like that again. _

_ Claude: *(laughter)* _

_ Dorothea: Me and Edie have been dancing all night, guys. Ugh. She’s such a good dancer. Even in heels! I thought I was the only one here who could do that. _

_ Edelgard: I’m a woman of many skills, what can I say? _

_ Dorothea sips on a red plastic cup.  _

_ Dorothea: Tea! Edie just emanates girl power, doesn’t she? _

_ Claude: Ok, you guys have fun. Your flirting is getting too cheesy for me. Bye! _

_ Dorothea: *(scoffs)* Too cheesy? Look at him. He looks like the definition of cheesy. _

_ Edelgard: *(laughter)* _

** _Edelgard’s live video has ended._ **

**shortking** : damn looks lit

**schleepy** : don’t say that 

**shortking** : I’m right though! It looks fun. Do you wanna go over Lin?

**schleepy** : no. Too noisy. loud

**ubertdriver** : Me and Ignatz are going. We just got done eating our meals.

**shortking** : come on Lin Ashe and iggy are going can we go please???

**schleepy** : Ugh fine. I’m tiiiiired though\

**shortking** : you won’t be tired! Come on! Let’s go! Let’s go let’s go let’s go!

—

**VibeCheck began messaging WeSchemin at 11:13pm.**

**VibeCheck** : clauuuudeeeee 

**WeSchemin** : heeeeellldaaaaaa

**VibeCheck** : what are you doing where are youuuuuuu!!!

**WeSchemin** : I’m dancin what about youuuuuuu!!

**VibeCheck** : Glad you asked.

**VibeCheck** : I’m with Marianne! She says hi! 

**VibeCheck** : we were dancing for a bit. She’s so cute honestly ugh! so sickeningly adorable sometimes.

**WeSchemin** : lol gay

**VibeCheck** : OMG!!! stfu Claude. 

**WeSchemin** : is that all you wanted to say? Just tell me about your little lesbian dance escapade?

**VibeCheck** : maybe

**VibeCheck** : 

**VibeCheck** : but yeah shut up Claude! Hee hee I’ll slap you with a fish! <3

**WeSchemin** : heehee ok gay <3

—

**Catwoman began messaging Hawkeye at 11:21pm.**

**Catwoman** : hey Shamir, how’s things on your end going?

**Hawkeye** : fine. Some kids were getting rowdy so I had to put them down.

**Catwoman** : uh.

**Hawkeye** : No, idiot, not like that. I sent them back to their dorms for the night. 

**Catwoman** : LOL I knew that 

**Catwoman** : so! Nothing much going on my end.

**Catwoman** : oh, but you know that kid you help with archery? Kinda short, small nose?

**Hawkeye** : Cyril?

**Catwoman** : yeah him! He’s hanging out with that Lysithea girl

**Hawkeye** : oh. What are they doing?

**Catwoman** : not much. Just sitting alone together, eating some candy. Drinking some kind of coffee, I think. ...Mocha? Just a guess.

**Hawkeye** : Oh. I see. good, I suppose.

**Hawkeye** : that kid works himself to the bone. Glad to see he’s got a friend.

**Catwoman** : Yeah, it’s kinda sweet. I wonder what they’re talking about?

**Hawkeye** : don’t eavesdrop, Catherine, we have other things to focus on.

**Catwoman** : Yeah, yeah, I know...

**Catwoman** : Hey. Wild request in 3, 2, 1

**Catwoman** : do you wanna dance with me for a bit?

**Hawkeye** : Huh? You realize we’re the ones chaperoning the dance, right?

**Catwoman** : Yeah, but you and I deserve a good bit of time off, right? Come on! It’s an all-faculty event. 

**Catwoman** : I think I even saw Seteth and Flayn dancing out there. What do you say? 

**Hawkeye** : ...fine.

**Hawkeye** : just once. For one song.

**Catwoman** : Nice. Thanks, partner! Glad I can count on you. <3

**Hawkeye** : ...do not make the Less Than Three at me.

—

**fettuccine began messaging WeSchemin at 11:43pm.**

**fettuccine** : Hi Claude 

**WeSchemin** : hey

**WeSchemin** : what’s up? 

**fettuccine** : I was just busy taking a break from the festivities .

**fettuccine** : Could you come meet me by the bridge ?

**WeSchemin** : uh

**WeSchemin** : sure thing! 

**fettuccine** : Thank you. And sorry if i am pulling you away from anything . 

**WeSchemin** : don’t worry about it 

**WeSchemin** : I’ll be there

—-

**TheLadyFlame began messaging VibeCheck at 11:45pm.**

**TheLadyFlame** : Hilda, do you know where Claude would be at this time?

**VibeCheck** : Hi El! Any particular reason why?

**TheLadyFlame** : I have a surprise for him.

**VibeCheck** : Ooh, sneaky. I like it. He’s headed to the bridge. 

**TheLadyFlame** : Thank you, Hilda. 

**VibeCheck** : no prob! Can’t wait to see what you’ve got in store for him. Sounds fun.

**TheLadyFlame** : Oh, yes. This will be very fun indeed. 

—

**MONSTER MASH - 11:52pm**

** _TheLadyFlame started a live video._ **

_ Edelgard stands on a high rooftop, holding two large buckets. Hubert appears to be the cameraman. _

_ Edelgard: Hubert, is the video rolling? _

_ Hubert: I believe so, Lady Edelgard. _

_ Edelgard: Claude’s down there, I see him. Wait, no, no, not yet. Dimitri’s there too. _

_ Edelgard: Shit. We have to wait. Stay low. Don’t take your eyes off them. _

_ Hubert keeps the camera pointed at the two of them, his fingers slightly obscuring the camera lens. _

_ Claude: Hey, Dimitri. You wanted to talk? _

_ Dimitri: Oh, Claude. It’s you. _

_ Dimitri: Thank you for taking the time out of your night for me. I was just contemplating the evening. _

_ Claude: Oh, yeah. No problem. _

_ Dimitri: …  _

_ Dimitri: I just wanted to say thank you for planning this whole celebration. _

_ Claude: Oh! This? It’s nothing. I’m glad you’re enjoying it, though.  _

_ Dimitri: Hm? But it is something, Claude. _

_ Dimitri: It’s been so long since we’ve had a break. I haven’t seen such bright smiles in...months. Years, maybe.  _

_ Dimitri: You really outdid yourself. For all of us. _

_ Dimitri: How long did it take for you to plan this whole event? Surely it must have taken forever. There was so much going on, and with all the obstacles in your way, arranging a school-wide Wyrm’s Hallow festival must not have been an easy feat. _

_ Dimitri: Especially since you’d never celebrated Wyrm’s Hallow before this. _

_ Claude: … _

_ Claude: Ah, well, it’s all in the research, I guess. It still didn’t go as well as I would have wanted it to. Bernadetta got injured, for one...and Professor Jeritza broke his nose...  _

_ Dimitri: Still, I think they had fun.  _

_ Claude: *(laughter)* I hope so.  _

_ Claude: ...Yeah, I guess I just wanted to see everyone happy for a day or two.  _

_ Dimitri: Hm... _

_ Dimitri: May I be honest with you for a second? _

_ Claude: Go ahead. _

_ Dimitri: ...I didn’t think you as the selfless type before.  _

_ Dimitri: I-I mean, I just… _

_ Claude: ...Oh, yeah, no. Don’t worry, I get that. Outsider’s curse, am I right? _

_ Dimitri: *(laughter)* Yes, that…though, I feel like I’ve learned a lot more about you, just from tonight.  _

_ Dimitri: ...I suppose I have a lot of thinking to do.  _

_ Claude takes a sharp breath and shifts his weight. _

_ Claude: About what? _

_ Dimitri: *(laughter)* Ah...nothing. Just thinking out loud.  _

_ Claude: ...M’kay. Well… _

_ Edelgard: *(whispering)* Hubert. Now! Go, go go! _

_ Claude: You know, it’s getting a bit late. The party’s gonna be over soon. _

_ Claude: Do you want to— _

_ Dimitri: Huh?! Claude, look out! Behind you! _

_ Edelgard jumps from her hiding place and dumps the contents of the buckets on Claude’s head. _

_ Edelgard: Gotcha, Claude! Who’s the prank master now?! _

_ Claude: ...Auugh! What the fuck?! Edelgard! _

_ Dimitri: Edelgard?! What is the meaning of this?! _

_ Edelgard: *(vivacious laughter)* That’s revenge, sucker! Hahaha! _

_ Edelgard: That’s g—it’s gumwood resin, and g-glitter…*(wheeze)* _

_ Edelgard: *(wheezing)* You could—you could say that— _

_ Edelgard: You could say that you’re a real ...golden deer!  _

_ She keels over on the ground, clutching her stomach in laughter. Hubert puts a pair of fake deer antlers on Claude’s head. He looks absolutely bewildered. Astonished. Bamboozled to the core. And very, very glittery. _

_ Claude: … _

_ Dimitri: What the—Hubert, are you recording us?! Cut the video! Cut! Sto— _

** _TheLadyFlame’s live video has ended._ **

**VibeCheck** : SLDKFJGKSLAHABDLSHFBFLAHFHSL LMAO OHHHHH BOY HE GOT D U N K E D O N 

**count gloucestula** : FUCKING FINALLY 

**count gloucestula** : Thank you, Lady Edelgard. You’ve finally put him in his place. 

**WeSchemin** : I cannot BELIVE I jsut got clowned by Edelgard

**WeSchemin** : i was fucking dunked on TWICE in one day im slippin yall

**WeSchemin** : also I think I inhaled some glitter ohmygod 

**TheLadyFlame** : yeah you arent such a smart guy now are ya?

**TheLadyFlame** : that gumwood resin? Sticks for A WEEK

**TheLadyFlame** : consider that VENGEANCE for the CHICKEN JOKES

**TheLadyFlame** : FUCKER

**TheLadyFlame is idle.**

—-

**MONSTER MASH: 12:22pm**

**Dedude** : is anyone else going to help clean up?

**Dedude** : I’m currently a bit occupied with putting some of the decorations away. We need a few extra dishwashers. 

**MiniBladeBreaker** : Who else is there?

**Dedude** : Shamir, Catherine, Alois, and Cyril.

**fettuccine** : allow me to assist with some of the heavy lifting. 

**MiniBladeBreaker** : count me in, too! 

**Bigmeatyclaws** : I’ll help you with my obscenely gigantic muscles! :D

**Angery Miasma Demon** : I can help with the dishes.

**Dedude** : Actually, we might have enough help now. Ashe, Annette, and Mercedes are here as well. 

**Angery Miasma Demon** : no let me do them i insist

**Angery Miasma Demon** : I drank too much coffee and I don’t think I can sleep unless someone kills me first

**MiniBladeBreaker** : go for it! 

**Angery Miasma Demon** : I’m going to carry eight trash bags in one hand if it’s the last thing I do

—

**WeSchemin began messaging PROFESSOR BIG BASS at 12:52pm.**

**WeSchemin** : hey teach, do you guys need any more help with the cleanup?

**WeSchemin** : sorry I was trying to wash the shit out of my hair. 

**WeSchemin** : It’s really not coming out so I guess I’m just gonna be very shiny for the next week or so.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : That’s alright dw

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : also Nope. We have enough people helping out already

**WeSchemin** : you sure 

**WeSchemin** : I think we need to fill in those holes that got dug up in the prank war

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Nope. We’re good.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : I think you’ve done some really great work today Claude. You should go get a good night’s sleep ok? 

**WeSchemin** : Ah. Well if you insist

**WeSchemin** : Oh also

**WeSchemin** : Thanks for helping me through this whole thing. without you I wouldn’t have been able to get this party off the ground.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : You’re welcome but no thanks needed. You did all the hard work

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : And I can tell you did a great job.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Anyways 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Go get some sleep. You’ve earned it

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Keep up the good work. We’re rooting for you

**WeSchemin** : thanks teach

**WeSchemin** : Gnight

**WeSchemin is offline.**

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS is offline. **

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a MONSTER of a chapter, good lord. Sorry about the shoddy editing job, I wanted to get this out on time for Spook Day.
> 
> WE BROKE 300 KUDOS! I DON'T KNOW HOW, BUT I'LL TAKE IT! Thank you guys so so SO much for your support! It really means a lot to me. (Keeps my heart warm. c:)
> 
> Now. Back to slice of life stuff. Happy Halloween!


	8. mission possible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Blue Lions fill in their volunteer hours. The Golden Deer take exams. The Black Eagles get some assistance with their monthly mission.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS created a new group chat.**

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS added FodlanExplain and Berniebaby to the group chat. **

**Berniebaby** : hi professor,!

**Berniebaby** : hi ppetra! 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Good morning, Bernadetta. Are you doing alright today?

**Berniebaby** : yeah I think so

**FodlanExplain** : Good morning Professor. Good morning Bernadetta 

**Berniebaby** : ummm..is this about my leg.?

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Yes. Manuela stopped by and said that you won’t be fully recovered for at least the next two weeks.

**Berniebaby** : oohhnooooooo….I’m.’m sorry professor pleaseplease PLEASE don’t mark me off I promise I can still fight!!! 

**Berniebaby** : ahhh Petra i know we were supposed to be partners for this months mission as well too hnnghhh I’m sorry ;_;,,,I will try not to be a bbhurden

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Don’t worry. I won’t mark you off. I want you to take the next two weeks to recover. I’ll give you a make-up assignment later.

**FodlanExplain** : Professor, is it okay if I stay back and take care of Bernadetta?

**Berniebaby** : ???huh????

**Berniebaby** : wwwait aare you sssure???!!! I don’t want you missing out either!!!

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : I suppose that’s fine. But, remember, both of you will need to do make-up assignments. I’ll keep you posted later.

**FodlanExplain** : Thank you for your kindness, professor.

**Berniebaby** : tttthank,you,! 

—

  
  


**MONSTER MASH - 7:44am**

**WeSchemin renamed MONSTER MASH to Post-Monster Mash Recovery Group.**

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Hi all, after the events of the Wyrm’s Hallow Celebration, some of the assignments for this month’s missions will be changed.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : The golden deer still have various proficiency exams coming up, and the blue lions still have volunteer work due. 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : The Black Eagles are currently still set for bandit hideout raids nearby some of the monastery towns. However, Bernadetta will be unable to participate due to her injury, and Petra has decided to stay behind her to make sure she recovers well.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : So, because of this, I need a front-liner and an archer to take their place. 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : If you agree to help on this mission, I will mark your on your performance on the battlefield instead of whatever else I assigned you. 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Would anyone like to help out?

**WeSchemin** : I can go. my bow marks are high enough to warrant an automatic pass on the exam lol might as well put them to use

**fettuccine** : Could I volunteer as a front-liner ?

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Edelgard, does this work?

**TheLadyFlame** : I was hoping for a sword user since we already have quite a few soldiers on the frontlines 

**TheLadyFlame** : @swordgay would you like to join us for the mission?

**swordgay** : no 

**TheLadyFlame** : 

**fettuccine** : I have been working on lord skills recently if that helps ?

**TheLadyFlame** : anyone else? Archer? Swordsman?

**TheLadyFlame** : 

**WeSchemin** : it’s been fucking30min lol

**TheLadyFlame** : Fine. Just remember, You two are under my command, though. 

**WeSchemin** : ok cool as long as you don’t use ur newfound power to send us hurtling to our doom

**TheLadyFlame** : obviously I will not. Who do you think I am?

**fettuccine** : you know it has been a long time since we all fought on the same side . I am quite excited to see all of you in action ! 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Ok. Black eagles meet by the gates, 6:30am sharp, we head to the village grounds. 

—

**Post-Monster Mash Recovery Group - 12:21pm**

  
  


**count gloucestula** : I just finished up my exams. Is anyone else finished?

**count gloucestula** : I would like to have some post-exam tea to help de-stress a bit. Would anyone like some chamomile? A bit of mint perhaps?

**Angery Miasma Demon** : no.

**count gloucestula:** You’re done already?

**Angery Miasma Demon** : yes, captain obvious 

**Angery Miasma Demon** : I want to go drink coffee and take a nap

**MiniBladeBreaker** : Those activities kind of contradict each other.

**Angery Miasma Demon** : I don’t really care.

**VibeCheck** : UGH I fucking bombed that exam

**VibeCheck** : I hate missions :/// I swear. At least I can go do whatever for the rest of the day instead of volunteer work lol

**VibeCheck** : blue lions what r u doing today????

**horny** : I’m at the pet adoption Center with Ashe and it is fucking fantastic 

**angel** : adoption center?????

**horny** : YAH it’s kinda new. There’s a lot of abandoned stray dogs and cats around the monastery and the adoption Center opened recently so that the animals have a place to stay

**angel** : oh I think that is a very good idea..I should visit sometime 

**horny** : I spent the morning making files for all the cats. Ashe helped make the play places a bit more cozy 

**ubertdriver** : He said he named them all, and I am very worried. 

**horny** : This one is my favourite

**horny** : I have so many pictures hold on 

**horny sent felix.jpg**

**horny sent felixscratchedmyarm.jpg**

**horny sent felixispooping.jpg**

**horny sent felixpeedonthefloor.jpg**

**horny sent felixisnoteatinghischicken.jpg**

**horny sent felixiskeepingmefromgettinguptogopee.jpg**

**MiniBladeBreaker** : I’m sorry but I had to do a bit of a double take when I saw that in my notifs 

**horny** : oh LFBFHSLDHFBALFBTH OOPS

**horny** : I named the cat is Felix because he looks EXACTLY like him!!! He’s so cute LOOK AT HIM he is a baby he’s 12 months old and he has no balls!!! I love 

**swordgay** : what the fuck.

**horny is offline.**

**MiniBladeBreaker** : AHAHAHA FUCK

**ubertdriver** : We have a cat here named um. Drywall? 

**ubertdriver** : We also have a “Twink” and a “Gummy”

**ubertdriver** : Also, “Asbestos”

**chinken nunget** : Look, I’m not saying it’s your fault, but why did anyone put Sylvain in charge of naming the cats?

**ubertdriver** : he really wanted to and the owner was happy to get volunteer help in the first place

**ubertdriver** : also he may have been flirting a bit with the owner

**chinken nunget** : Ugh fuck here we go again 

**ubertdriver** : on the bright side he’s been working hard! Things seem pretty organized from the back end

**ubertdriver** : I have some pictures too, I’ll share them when I’m on break. My favourite is this cute cat named Peeples and she has a little spot on her eye

**chinken nunget** : Aw! She sound adorable! 

**angel** : I would...like to see peeples… if that’s okay…

**ubertdriver** : I’ll send a pic soon! 

**VibeCheck** : see guys look at how cool the blue lions mission stuff was today so fucking fun fuckinf cats and shit god 

**swordgay** : It’s not all cats and fun though. I have to help with fucking gardening

**Dedude** : Gardening is not so bad. You get to practice your sword skills.

**swordgay** : Against weeds. Weeds aren’t good opponents. Weeds spread like pestilential vermin and die even faster. Weeds are cowards.

**MiniBladeBreaker** : if you wanted real opponents so bad, maybe you should have taken up Edelgard’s offer…?

**swordgay** : fuck no are you kidding me? Bandits and weeds are the same. 

**MiniBladeBreaker** : Except one can kill you with an axe

**cinnamonroll** : Maybe a very determined weed could also kill you with an axe.

**HaveMercie** : good point Annie, we don’t know what kind of stuff they put in weeds in morfis!

**Dedude** : They don’t make plants sentient in morfis.

**count gloucestula** : I’m not so sure, once I had a specialty “morfis plum salad” from some kitschy restaurant. 

**count gloucestula** : I think it screamed when I bit into it, maybe that was just me? Eugh. I gave it a one-star review. Terrifying indeed.

**horny** : kinky salad damn …. link me

**Dedude** : They must have forgotten to remove the mouth from the mandrake root.

**Bobrosschiapet** : From what I’ve heard, fully screaming mandrake root is actually a specialty in some places! It’s generally practiced by those who prefer to eat vegetables raw

**Bigmeatyclaws** : @count gloucestula But does it add to the taste though???

**count gloucestula** : I honestly can’t recall.

**Dedude** : I believe it has no true taste. It just adds to magical potency to the rest of the dish.

**MiniBladeBreaker** : hey does anyone know why the fuck we put magic in veggies anyways? 

**Dedude** : Some do so in order to enhance the growth of the produce. That’s the most common use of magic in gardening. Other times, it may be done to enhance the consumer’s…

**Dedude** : Actually, Nevermind.

**count gloucestula** : I personally would like to know, Dedue. Why DO we add magic to our meals?

**Dedude** : It...enhances spells and magical potency…sometimes.

**count gloucestula** : 

**MiniBladeBreaker** : so you’re saying we’re putting ….. soft magic steroids in our food?

**MiniBladeBreaker** : like,

**MiniBladeBreaker** : if I ate a mandrake root I could just go like OOGA BOOGA BURN AND DIE and kill everything with a bolganone or something? 

**Dedude** : maybe not that.

**Dedude** : But if Lysithea ate a raw mandrake root...

**Angery Miasma Demon** : don’t bring me into this

**Dedude** : She would be more...powerful, yes.

**swordgay** :

**swordgay** : is that why Dimitri eats the weeds

**Dedude** : 

**Dedude** : Oh my god

—-

**Post-Monster Mash Recovery Group - 9:53pm**

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS: ** Hi everyone, I’m very happy to report a mission well done. Remember to submit your volunteer hours tonight. I’ll be marking exams tomorrow.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Caspar defeated the most enemies on the field, so great work to you.

**shortking** : HELL YEAH! Short king mvp! 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : Thank you to Linhardt for providing exceptional support from the back.

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : I’d also like to acknowledge Claude, Dimitri and Edelgard for displaying excellent problem-solving skills today. 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS:** Again, amazing work, and get a good night’s rest. 

**PROFESSOR BIG BASS** : yay!!!! Congrats everyone!! Sorry I couldn’t be there

**FodlanExplain** : I am relieved the mission went well. 

**TheLadyFlame** : Thank you all for your work today. 

—-

**House Leaders Chat - 10:24pm**

**TheLadyFlame** : This is Hubert speaking. Lady Edelgard wanted me to send you a thank-you message regarding your assistance today 

**WeSchemin** : hi Hubert 

**fettuccine** : hello Hubert 

**WeSchemin** : can I talk to Edelgard?

**TheLadyFlame** : No. she is resting.

**WeSchemin** : it’s ten o clock bro she ain’t resting lol

**fettuccine** : That is a shame . I wanted to talk to her too.

**TheLadyFlame** : Then say what you have to say and I will tell her later.

**WeSchemin** : how the fuck did you even get her phone password dude that’s creepy as shit

**TheLadyFlame** : She gave me permission, you idiot. Who do you think I am?

**WeSchemin** : ok well tell her 1. You’re welcome for saving your sorry ass 2. Lol gay

**TheLadyFlame** : I refuse to repeat those words to lady Edelgard. If you have nothing useful to say, then don’t say anything at all.

**WeSchemin** : Ugh fine fine 

**WeSchemin** : this is so awkward tho I feel like I’m confessing my sins to a priest or something 

**fettuccine** : will you really relay these messages to Edelgard ?

**TheLadyFlame** : I said before, yes I would 

**fettuccine** : Ah alright 

**fettuccine** : Well

**fettuccine** : Good work on today’s mission. You’ve improved a lot since we last battled alongside each other and you are growing stronger every day. 

**WeSchemin** : Oh mother hersvelg I confess my sins through thou vessel Hubert von vestra , 

**WeSchemin** : You did some really neat stuff today. Glad we could work together again.

**TheLadyFlame** : she says she’s happy to hear.

**TheLadyFlame** : ...she also says that she’s grateful to claude for breaking off from the plan and keeping everyone from getting flanked, and that you are “better at leading than I expected.” she also said she’s grateful to Dimitri, but would like it if you do not put yourself in harm's way for her again. 

**TheLadyFlame** : she says she can tell both of you have also improved and have been training hard. She’s especially proud of you, Dimitri, for “not being such a crybaby anymore.”

**fettuccine** : Oh! Edelgard , thank you , that truly means a lot to me .

**WeSchemin** : Praise?? From Edelgard?? I am so honoured. I’m blessed. I’ve ascended 

**WeSchemin** : no but srsly. thank you

**TheLadyFlame is offline.**

—-

**FEAR THE DEER (and Sylvain) - 11:09pm**

**VibeCheck** : Wow.

**VibeCheck** : That was a train wreck. Guys, I’m crying.

**WeSchemin** : ?

**VibeCheck** : Uh, like, I just got a text from Dorothea.

**VibeCheck** : who said, and I quote 

**VibeCheck** : “so on the way back from the battle Claude turns over to Dimitri who is just like walking over there but then”

**VibeCheck** : “Claude turns and looks at him in the eyes for like. ffffive seconds I was counting. and grabs his bad arm hand that got injured and just kinda holds it real soft. n he says ‘do you need a hand’ I’m like ???”

**VibeCheck** : 

**VibeCheck** : so yeah

**VibeCheck** : intimate hand holding? Right in front of my salad.

**WeSchemin** : Hilda Valentine Goneril.

**VibeCheck** : Claude Von Thatcameouttalefitfield.

**count gloucestula** : Claude Von Imbecile 

**Angery Miasma Demon** : Claude Von Stupid

**WeSchemin** : oh my god!!!

**WeSchemin** : I WAS JUST CHECKING TO SEE IF HE WAS GOOD !!! 

**count gloucestula** : he looks fine in that photo. think you were checking to see if he looked Good in the OTHER sense. 

**WeSchemin** : guys he got fucking injured. Are you fuckin serious.

**horny** : uhhh uh uh uhhh!!!! I’ve seen Dimitri when he’s injured before

**horny** : he doesn’t walk with his hand out like that when he gets badly hurt, he must have just gotten like a small bruise or something by his standards 

**VibeCheck** : so spoketh the blue lion! What is your testimony! 

**WeSchemin:** BRUH

**WeSchemin** : HOW WOULD I KNOW THAT I HARDLY FIGHT W HIM

**Angery Miasma Demon** : ...Odd how you had that rendezvous on the bridge at wyrms hallow. Odd how you seemed so cagey in that live video too

**WeSchemin** : LYSSSS I’m not fucking into him!!!

**MiniBladeBreaker** : if you were focused on his injured hand, why’d you look at his face?

**WeSchemin** : oh... my god.

**VibeCheck** : oh no you fucking don’t young man!! You ain’t outta this yet!!!

**VibeCheck sent intimate.jpg**

**VibeCheck** : this picture is gonna make me BARFFFFFFF it looks like there’s sparkles around your fucking eyeballs!!! dghlljgdsfhkkhdd

**WeSchemin** : 1. Dude I just did it to make sure he was okay his arm was fucked up DO YOU UNDERSTAND 2. NO I DONT I WAS JUST LOOKING AT HIM LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

**horny** : uhhhh u sure? That’s like. Horny gaze right there. 

**horny** : personally i wouldn’t go for THAT but /eyes emoji/

**WeSchemin** : mmmmjkfjgkgjdkfjdksk

**WeSchemin** : guys I’m serious. I am not Attracted to Dimitri just because I had a little eye contact with him. 

**Bobrosschiapet** : ...I think you have some in-denial feelings? I mean I’m not sure as to what extent you like him, if it’s just a friend thing or something more. But we all have your back!

**WeSchemin** : IGNATZ 

**WeSchemin** : it is a friend thing through and through ok

**VibeCheck** : ….throw an f in the chat for my idiot boy Claude y’all. I have never seen you slipping that bad!!! Auugh!!!

**WeSchemin** : my entire house + Sylvain is cyber bullying me now fantastic I can’t fucking believe this

**VibeCheck** : F

**WeSchemin** : I’m going to ruin Dorothea’s eyeshadow palettes I can’t fucking believe this 

**MiniBladeBreaker** : F

**horny** : F

**count gloucestula** : F

**WeSchemin** : IM ALREADY DEAD GUYS

**Angery Miasma Demon** : F

**Bigmeatyclaws** : F!

**angel** : f

**WeSchemin** : AASHFJDBDBDNGLDBDL??? M

**VibeCheck** : MARIANNE 

**angel** : f!   
  


**VibeCheck** : AJSHDBFKDGKDBSHFKGKFJSJFLG

**WeSchemin is offline.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a quick cute one. That's all there is to it. 
> 
> Thanks again for all your continued support! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Mostly just wanted to hop onto the chatfic train because i like having everyone being alive and having fun! I'll probably update this whenever the itch hits me, which should be pretty often, i love these kids a lot.


End file.
